One week

1 week post baby...

Tomorrow I'm venturing alone with the kiddos.  Johnny's back to work to save up time, so 1 week post surgery I'm on.  I'm ready.  Ha.  I think.

So, one week out...

I'm feeling very much like I did after the birth of the boys-- but interestingly I don't remember feeling this way after the girls.  I'm feeling a bit sad that the pregnancy is over.  I'm feeling sad that I'm not feeling kicks anymore.  I wasn't ready for this pregnancy to be over.   I wasn't ready to say I'm done.  So I'm struggling with that.

It's killing me that he's in the NICU.  Again... I didn't feel like this with the girls.  I'm not sure if it was because I was so sick with the blood clot & infection or if it was just because I so expected them to end up in the NICU, but I was more "okay" with them being the NICU.  But having Hunter in the NICU is so trying.  He's doing well, but still drifting & spelling and still stuck there and there's just nothing to do.  And it's so hard to come up with time to visit because of the other three.  Blah... stress.  Nothing new.

But yes, my baby is 1 week old.  ONE WEEK OLD.  I cannot believe that he's already been out of me so long.  He's absolutely adorable and precious and sweet and calm and perfect.

Post-baby plans... oh I don't know.  And I think that's why I'm feeling so sad.  I have to face the reality that this might be the last baby.  I've mentioned the fact that prematurity weighs heavily on that thought.  But there's more.  This c-section (3rd, remember?) revealed some pretty significant scarring.  My bladder was adhered to my uterus because of scarring & the doctor had to make a new incision in the muscle of the uterus because of that.  I've been told that for the next baby -- assuming we have one -- I cannot labor at all.  My chances of uterine rupture is insanely high right now.  It should go down with time, so 4, 5, 6 years out?  Maybe then.  But right now we have to be very careful.  I just don't know!  

But then again I should spend my time enjoying Hunter because he is so amazing and I'm so excited for my life with him.  :)