Saturday, March 9


I mentioned last post that I was just feeling defeated.

Today was a hard day.  As was yesterday.

My biggest thing right now is that I just feel like I'm against a wall and there is no way I can see around it.  When we started infertility treatments I got upset with failures, but I never felt "out" because we always had something to try next.  IUI with clomid.  THen IUI with injections.  Then IVF.

Same thing when we started having kids.  The boys were 27 weekers, but there were way to get further.  So the next time we were blessed with twins we added the cerclage.  And it gained 7 weeks & 2+ pounds per babe.  It seemed like the trick really worked, we would have preferred fullterm, but instead I got twins in the NICU for less than 2 weeks and also who stayed inside 7 weeks longer than their brothers.  Then this time with Hunter's pregnancy the difference was one baby.  The cerclage + one baby should have gained us so much, right?  But it only got us a week.  I was so sure that we'd be NICU/prematurity free.  The last thing I wanted was another premature baby because my body can't cooperate.

So now I'm at that wall and defeated.  Say we want baby #6.  What can we do differently?  Last I checked you can't have fewer than 1 kid at a time.  And we already added the cerclage so that would be a part of the next equation anyways.  The way I see it (in my defeated view right now) is that there isn't anything we can do differently.  That to have more kids is to subject them to the NICU and prematurity and ourselves to heartache.  And that's a hard pill to swallow.  Can I do that to another baby?  Can I do that to myself?  Right now it seems and feels almost too selfish to even contemplate.

And then there are other little stupid things making me crack.  Like Colby being so excited to see his brother, but the NICU's flu policy right now is keeping him out.  Or that the pump my insurance covered this time isn't a hospital grade pump like I had with the boys and girls & instead it's loud and gets nothing out.  Or that I can't even pick up my girls or Colby because of my incision.


Michele said...

First off, Stacey, before I start blabbering with advice... let me say: you did a kickass, amazing, great job. AWESOME job. Great job. I know it sucks and you feel defeated right now, but you are a rockstar.

Second,(and here's the advicey part), have you considered a TAC? I forget where you live, but I had mine placed by Dr. Haney at the University of Chicago, and this pregnancy has been so different from my TVC one, which I only got to 27w with. He has great stats. I got mine not planning to use it (no more treatments, etc) but knowing I have it with our little miracle gives me a lot of easy breathing (and a lot of hardcore activity!). Whatever you decide to do, prayers and thoughts your way.

Ashley said...

Big hugs!!!