Monday, July 25
A spare moment! It's 4:30AM and I'm pumping. Typically I'm also topping off a baby right now, but the both fell asleep nursing so here I am. (I'll regret this later when they wake up in an hour though.) What's been going on...?
Less than 10 minutes in the girls started waking for the rest of their feed... I guess that's better than being up in an hour.... And now it's actually the next night and I'm still working on this...
Two years old...
Colby loves HAPPY BIRTHDAY and was thrilled that it was being sung to him.
The boys second birthday came and went on Tuesday. I spent the AM at the doctors with the girls getting Zoe's hips ultrasound-ed. She was transverse/breech so it was a precautionary thing- she looks great. :) Colby headed into Boston with Johnny to go to the Children's Museum and loved it.
I was sad I missed his first time there, but I've had to realize that I can't be there for all his "firsts"- especially with having the girls and that if I tried to hold him back until I could go then that would be unfair to him. So, I've been missing out on a lot lately (Children's Museum, parade, fireworks, day at the beach) but I'm trying to be okay with it. (I'm not really).
Afterwards we had a lowkey day and celebrated it will Connor's cake. The past two years for Colby's party I've made a little Connor cake it a loaf-pan and we've eaten it on their actual birthday. It's become a nice little tradition. This year we couldn't release balloons exactly at 11:56am. It made me sad, but I was in the ultrasound at the time...
Anyways, two-year-old Colby? SUPER fun. (As was one-year-old Colby) Colby is a talker and will tell you the most elaborate stories. He talks with his hands and I can't help but laugh at the expression he puts into his stories. He talks in his sleep which cracks me up and melts my heart. If he has something important to tell you, he'll grab your face between his hands and make sure he has your undivided attention. He loves his sisters like crazy, but their crying clearly annoys him sometimes. He knows the babies only drink molk and they can't have any big people food. The loves to tickle them and when they "tickle him with their toes". He's become a little afraid of the dark. He's a total water baby and loves the pool, the water table, and puddles. Playing in the rain gives him the greatest thrill. He's a total boy's boy and loves trucks, trains, mud, dirt, and balls, but he can appreciate a good pair of shoes. He's still totally in love with his Mama and attached at my hip- perhaps more so because of the girls. He's the best. :)
Two years ago...
Colby and Connor's cake.
The 21st brought two years since Connor died. It sucked. I guess I never prepared myself for the face that 1 year out might not be the worst. Last year I expected the 21st to be awful and it was. This year I thought it would be sad, but I thought I had come far enough that I would be more "okay". Not okay but... that it wouldn't hurt as much. It was awful times a lot. I think not bracing myself for the awfulness of the day made it even more awful than it should have been. I blame Colby... he's so amazing and smart and cute and loveable that he just makes me wonder even more what it would have been like to have his brother around. And he deserves to have his brother around and... well, it just sucks.
Funny... 2 years ago as we sat in the boys NICU room with our family I remember holding Connor in my arms not ready to let go. I was sitting next to my dad and all I could say was "It just sucks." It hurt so bad and I was dying inside, but really there were no words to describe it than "It just sucks". To this day that's the only way to sum it up.
Two months old
Today the girls turned two months old. I can't believe how fast they're growing up. They're so alert and they hold their heads so well and they're so darn cute it kills me. They're not skinny little newborns, they're plump and rolly and chubby and adorable. Both girls are just over 8lbs now. They're still in newborn diapers and clothes but they're about ready to pop out of both. (But holy cow they have a lot of newborn clothes! I don't think they've worn them all yet.)
Our days a busy and some days it feels impossible to take a breath. I can tell by 8am what kind of day it will be. If I can catch the girls in the AM before they start tandem screaming and I can get one girl changed, fed, and happy before the other wakes then we're golden. If I don't catch them early enough (by giving in to my desire for 10 more minutes of sleep) we're in trouble. The whole day seems to be chaotic and they seem to be off their "routine". (We don't have a routine, but they're really good about eat/play/nap/repeat most days)
Sydney's a screamer if she isn't attended to quickly, but once she's fed and changed she's content just to watch the world. She's shorter and leaner than her sister with a pointed nose, pale skin, and huge eyes. She's a good napper and sleeps well at night between feeds.
Sydney being a pretty princess.
Zoe's more easily calmed while she's waiting her turn to eat or be changed. She also loves to watch the world, but only if she's doing it from the comfort of someone's arms. She's heavier than Sydney, though not by much. Her nose is wider, she has more olive skin, and huge eyes. She can nap well, but prefers to be held. She's stay awake for hours if it means she can hang out with you and smile.
They both have BIG beautiful eyes. They're a dark blue now... but we'll see what happens!
Things were going so well in the world of nursing. The girls hadn't had formula in probably a few weeks and I had started to develop quite a store of milk in the freezer as well. I'd nurse every feed expect for the 10/11pm feed so we could give vitamins. I still pump 8-10 times a day so in addition to whatever they were getting directly I was pumping an additional 1,000 or so ml a day. Some would be used to top off the girls, but most was frozen.
Thursday night came and I knew that I was on my way for an infection and come Friday morning I was in a ton of pain, running a fever of over 102, vomiting, and just miserable. (Yeah, taking care of 3 kids while feeling so sick is doable, but not fun!) I immediately called my OB and got antibiotics going. Unfortunately my supply took a pretty immediate hit. I'm still pumping quite a bit, but it's definitely lower than it was and the girls are now taking 3oz every feeding instead of just over 2oz, so it adds up over time. I've already had to dip into my frozen milk which bothers me a bit... but I'm still pumping as often as I can and I'm going to start taking the Fenugreek tabs once I finally get out to get them. Formula definitely isn't the end of the world for me (look how awesome Colby turned out, and I stopped pumping for him at 4 months) but I was hoping to keep up breast milk exclusively kind of just to see if I could do it... well, and because I know it has it's benefits (free!). So we'll see... I'm keeping it up and trying to keep spirits up. Whatever happens will happen. I've already got 2 healthy rolly polly babies... :)
BLEH I am so sick of bloodthinners I am going crazy. My belly is a stretch marked mess. What they say about carrying boys and girls differently proved true for me, so I have stretch marks everywhere from the two pregnancies. If that didn't look gross enough, add on the immense bruising from 2 months of twice daily Lovenox injections and it's just unbearable to look at. I have huge purple marks and old yellow bruises and painful lumps from injections that didn't absorb right. Ick. I go on Aug 5th to Hematology and I'm praying that I can stop the shots, but I think I'll be stuck on them until I can get a CAT scan in to make sure the clot is gone. (And I'm almost willing to stay on the Lovenox forever to avoid the scan because the barium sulfate you have to drink for the scan is so disgusting I'd rather take the shots...).