"Are you happy?"

Wednesday I packed up Zoe and handed Sydney and Colby off to my mom to head to my 6 week check up with my OB. (Despite the reflux Zoe tends to be a little easier & less drama-queeny-- go figure)

Everything looks fine and I was given another prescription for 100 Lovenox needles. Fantastic.

I'm down 8lbs less than my pre-pregnancy weight which is great. But my belly is so weirdly stretched and saggy (gross) and tender from all of the injections (and a weird yellow/green/purple from all the bruising) that I'm not wearing normal sizes yet. Typically I don't even get dressed in the AM & stay in my pjs all day, so I guess it doesn't matter. (I'd claim that they're at least cute pjs, but then Johnny would read this and expose my lie.)

Dr. K asked about birth control. I didn't laugh in his face. In the end he settled on the fact that we could use condoms (ha, yeah right) but then again "You're probably not going to be having much sex anyways!" I love that guy. :)

At least 5 times during our 20 minute visit he asked me the same thing- "Are you happy?"

And it's a harder question to answer than it should be.

On the one hand I'm so incredibly happy that I have these 2 perfect, amazing, beautiful daughters. (Seriously, have you seen their eyes??) They're healthy and thriving. Colby is beyond incredible and the best big brother these girls could have.

But.

There's always a but.

Having these two perfect, amazing, beautiful daughters has made me realize even more just how possible it could have been to have two perfect, amazing, beautiful sons two years ago. Birth 13 weeks early didn't have to happen. Ventilators and PICC lines and death didn't have to happen. After having the boys I kind of felt that extreme prematurity was the hand that I had to be dealt. But this time I realized that that just isn't true. I could make it to 34 weeks. I could have children who could breathe and eat on their own.

I try so hard not to dwell on the past and what I can't change, but I guess I'm pretty bad at that. :) But knowing these girls and Colby doesn't make it easier to accept that Connor's gone. It doesn't make it more okay. It doesn't make it bittersweet or anything that people say. Instead, it makes it harder and less okay. There's no reason he shouldn't be here kissing the girls, cuddling in bed with me, or going shoppin'! with Daddy. But he's not here and it's hard to say 100% that I'm happy.

But I am happy. And I told Dr. K that. Because we're making the best of what we have, we're learning to accept, and we're learning to stop and really appreciate what we have. Because who knows for how long we'll have it.

And because I truly believe deep down in my heart that Connor is the reason that other things are so good. I truly believe that that little boy is keeping us save and healthy and looking out for all of us. I truly believe that he's the reason that Colby is as healthy as he is despite his rough beginning, that he's the reason the girls made it to 34 weeks, that he's the reason for everything.