Monday, July 11

Guilty

So far the hardest thing about having the twins & Colby at home isn't the lack of sleep. Or lack of time. Or lack of personal space-- Colby's still totally in our bed every night (which I feel so much better about after talking to a friend about this... I kept feeling like I had to defend it, but she made me feel more okay about it which is great because I totally love it).

Instead it's the guilt of "choosing" one kiddo over another.

When Colby came home he was never down awake just laying there (hmm... maybe a part of the sleep issue?). He didn't cry for more than a few seconds. He was toted everywhere. Obviously he was just the center of attention because he was the only child (at home).

But now having the girls? I am constantly aware of how much attention everyone is getting. Colby needs a lot because he's 2 and I don't want him to feel replaced. And then of course the girls need a lot because they're tiny and always eating. But to feed the girls so often, Colby is often playing alone. And to hang out in the pool with Colby or to race a few cars on the floor, well the girls are sometimes wide awake hanging out in their rockers alone. And of course I feel so guilty about it all. I don't want Colby to resent the girls and I don't want to risk not having the same close connection with the girls that I had/have with Colby because I can't be holding everyone every minute.

And to make things a little more difficult... while Colby is not outwardly jealous or resentful of the girls (quite the opposite-- he LOVES those girls and is so gentle!) it is clear that he needs more Mama time. I really don't think it has too much to do with the arrival of the girls, but more because of the 2+ months prior to their arrival. I know everyone assured me that bedrest and being away from him wouldn't affect him in the lease, but I don't think they were right. Colby is a smart kiddo and he knew that Mama wasn't home and when Mama was home, she couldn't do much. (He used to say that Mama was broken)

Now that I'm back to full force Colby is absolutely attached at my hip. And he gets anxious and upset with me simply moving across the room. It's the separation anxiety we had way back when multiplied by a million. Around 15/16 months he'd get upset when I left the room, but he'd get over it in a few minutes with a good distraction. Now distractions don't really work-- if I run upstairs to shower he'll cry at the gate the entire time and ignore all distractions. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it... how to calm him down to be okay with me popping out of the room for a few minutes. I guess it's a work in progress!

2 comments:

Three kids under two said...

I hear ya... I am in the exact same boat as you are. Three under two... its not easy. I also feel my older son gets less attention these days, even though I have my mom helping me. I used to get so upset with him because he is so clingy. I think it got worse around 16 months when I was 24 weeks preggo with the twins and its just gotten worse. I hope he will outgrow this as well. He cries when I go to the garage or the ladies room. Another common problem for the both of us is the co-sleeping. He used to be in our room, but not moved to his room when he was 22 months. When he wakes up, we still bring him to our bed. I dont stress about this at all. I just wished he was less clingy and more independent. We started 4 hour day care 3 weeks back and its going well. He likes the company of kids his age. You could try that too.

I dont know how you do it by yourself. I need to learn frm you :-)

sunflowerchilde said...

I would not worry about the guilt at all. Since Connor never came home from the hospital, you didn't experience it the first time around, and now you are. I went through that guilt and it lasted a LONG time. I knew, but it took me a while to really understand, that anyone with more than one child is going to feel that guilt, and the kids are all going to be fine in the end. It's normal for siblings to have to share parents. I still feel the guilt sometimes, but then I think it would have been the same if I hadn't had twins right off the bat, once the second kid comes around. So I know it's hard, but I wouldn't worry about it too much. And I agree, I don't know how you do it alone!