Monday, July 11
So far the hardest thing about having the twins & Colby at home isn't the lack of sleep. Or lack of time. Or lack of personal space-- Colby's still totally in our bed every night (which I feel so much better about after talking to a friend about this... I kept feeling like I had to defend it, but she made me feel more okay about it which is great because I totally love it).
Instead it's the guilt of "choosing" one kiddo over another.
When Colby came home he was never down awake just laying there (hmm... maybe a part of the sleep issue?). He didn't cry for more than a few seconds. He was toted everywhere. Obviously he was just the center of attention because he was the only child (at home).
But now having the girls? I am constantly aware of how much attention everyone is getting. Colby needs a lot because he's 2 and I don't want him to feel replaced. And then of course the girls need a lot because they're tiny and always eating. But to feed the girls so often, Colby is often playing alone. And to hang out in the pool with Colby or to race a few cars on the floor, well the girls are sometimes wide awake hanging out in their rockers alone. And of course I feel so guilty about it all. I don't want Colby to resent the girls and I don't want to risk not having the same close connection with the girls that I had/have with Colby because I can't be holding everyone every minute.
And to make things a little more difficult... while Colby is not outwardly jealous or resentful of the girls (quite the opposite-- he LOVES those girls and is so gentle!) it is clear that he needs more Mama time. I really don't think it has too much to do with the arrival of the girls, but more because of the 2+ months prior to their arrival. I know everyone assured me that bedrest and being away from him wouldn't affect him in the lease, but I don't think they were right. Colby is a smart kiddo and he knew that Mama wasn't home and when Mama was home, she couldn't do much. (He used to say that Mama was broken)
Now that I'm back to full force Colby is absolutely attached at my hip. And he gets anxious and upset with me simply moving across the room. It's the separation anxiety we had way back when multiplied by a million. Around 15/16 months he'd get upset when I left the room, but he'd get over it in a few minutes with a good distraction. Now distractions don't really work-- if I run upstairs to shower he'll cry at the gate the entire time and ignore all distractions. I'm not quite sure how to deal with it... how to calm him down to be okay with me popping out of the room for a few minutes. I guess it's a work in progress!