2nd Birthday

Today we celebrated Colby's second birthday with a low-key family party. As you know, time is limited these days so no invites went out, we ordered the cake instead of making it, and I sent Johnny to the store with the list of things to get Colby (water table, baseball chair, potty, and Rex if you were wondering). We grilled burgers and hot dogs and our parents brought over sides. Easy.

I didn't really give the party a second thought until this AM when I set about baking a small Connor-cake like I made last year.

Then I lost it.

This year was a million times harder than last year. And it hit me like a truck.

Tuesday marks the boys' two year birthday and Thursday marks two years since Connor died.

Two years. I can't even fathom and my heart continues to break a little each time I think about it.

Johnny brought home balloons for Colby. A Buzz & Woody balloon, plus two blue balloons (the boys) and two pink balloons (the girls). Colby absolutely lit up when he saw the boons. Pure joy on his face. Imagine if I could have seen pure joy times two?

Each day I miss him more and more and each day he seems to get a little farther away from reality. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I did give birth to two live, kicking (if not healthy) babies. I carried two babies for 6 months and felt them kick and move. I felt Connor's hiccups on a daily basis as he waited to make his grand entrance into the world. He held my finger as I met him face to face and again as he slipped away.

Because it all happened so quickly- how could it have been true?

But it was. Almost two years ago I experienced the greatest joy and the worst low. That's my reality now. It's the truth to my life.

And it's not going away...