Monday, June 28


The day that Connor died, the moment he passed in my arms- my life, my world, my heart shattered into millions and millions of tiny pieces. I was broken when he died. I could hardly breathe, I couldn't stand. After saying goodbye, I laid in bed and stared for hours trying to fight away the memories and thoughts of those last minutes.

But we had Colby and I didn't have a choice. I quickly gathered up piece after piece after piece to be strong for him. I gathered up the pieces I needed to smile, to laugh, to love, to function. The past 11 months I have continued to pick up the pieces. I picked up the pieces needed to go back to school, to be a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend. I've picked up the pieces needed to get through holidays, through big events, through small events. I've been pushing through, all the while putting together a semblance of normalcy again.

There are always more pieces to gather, to find spots for, but I think I do a pretty good job with the pieces I have. I give Colby my all, I give Johnny all I can, I get through the days. Lately I'm still getting pieces together, more slowly now. Most of me is together again, most of me is whole. But the pieces are getting harder and harder to find.

I can't quickly repair the cracks anymore. I can't hide the holes because the pieces aren't in reach anymore.

And for some reason today that has become so painfully obvious.

Today, for the first time, I realized that I don't think I will ever be fully okay again and that terrifies me. There are pieces of me that I will never fully find, never fully repair. Pieces that won't be together, that will never be okay.

And that scares me more than anything has scared me so far.


Michele said...

We learn to live as a new person... with those holes. It still hurts- it always will- but we learn to keep breathing. For them. And for us too.


Anonymous said...

I'm sorry Stacy. I don't exactly know what to say, because I haven't been through what you have. I think Michele said it beautifully in the comment above. Hugs.

Ashley said...

((Hugs)) honey!!

Leah said...

I often think of you and all you have been through and at such a young age. It's A LOT, and I hope no one every tries to minimize it.

I've heard from parents who have lost children that you never really heal completely. Time continues to move on, and with time, the sting of the pain lessens a bit, but it will always be there, and that must be the scariest revelation in life.

Thinking of you, and hoping your pain is becoming less and less.

Gayle said...

As a mom who has lost one twin with one "survivor"-- I totally get it.

I felt (and still feel) I had to put on the supermom happy face for my husband, my judgemental MIL and my little one that is still here.

It is OK to miss your son, it is OK to feel sad and it is OK to have a breakdown every once in a while. Does it get better? Don't know. But I hope it does.

Devon said...

i wish i had perfect words. i don't. just that its a hard journey but i'm confident we will get out on the other side...we have to.

keep sharing your heart.....((hugs))

Anonymous said...

I'm not in your shoes, so I don't claim to get it. However, I can't help but think Connor would want you and his father and brother to be HAPPY and focus on your few precious memories together, rather than what you don't have. He's up in Heaven celebrating life with you.