Tuesday, June 8
Colby in a bag!
Colby's birthday is just over a month away. I have no idea what to do! We decided that we would have the party on July 17th- the Saturday before. But beyond that, we don't have a clue. Our place isn't big enough, so the first logical step would be to figure out where.
As I think about the birthday I get a little panicky.
1 year. I can't fathom it.
I'm under 2 weeks away from "bedrest day". The beginning of everything that led to being here with an almost-11 month old and missing my other should-be-11-month-old.
I wish I could articulate my feeling right now, but I can't. I honestly still don't think I have really dealt or worked through or came to terms with losing Connor. If I did I wouldn't be in constant awe that I lost a baby, would I? It wouldn't hit me at random times in random places and knock me to the ground would it?
I'm starting at a new school next year. Kindergarten after all- but a new school in the district. I'm a little scared because my current principal knows my story. She knows about the IVF and prematurity and losing Connor and the NICU and just the torture and amazement of the last year. The new principal and staff don't know.
I don't want to be just "another mom" because I'm not.
I don't want Connor to be nonexistant because they don't know.
But I also don't want to have to go through it all again. To explain to every teacher there that yes I have Colby. No he's not my first. But Connor died. That I have 1 living baby.
On another note- this past weekend I was in a friend's wedding in NH. No kids allowed. So Colby went to my parents house for the night on Saturday. My first night away from the bug!!! (Well, if you don't count the other 109 in the NICU!!) He was excited though and helped me pack.
He was happily spoiled and had a good time. But I like to think that he's happier to be home with Mommy & Daddy.
Because we missed him.
And we need him. Oh so much.