Tuesday, June 8

Colby in a bag!

Colby's birthday is just over a month away. I have no idea what to do! We decided that we would have the party on July 17th- the Saturday before. But beyond that, we don't have a clue. Our place isn't big enough, so the first logical step would be to figure out where.

As I think about the birthday I get a little panicky.

1 year. I can't fathom it.

I'm under 2 weeks away from "bedrest day". The beginning of everything that led to being here with an almost-11 month old and missing my other should-be-11-month-old.

I wish I could articulate my feeling right now, but I can't. I honestly still don't think I have really dealt or worked through or came to terms with losing Connor. If I did I wouldn't be in constant awe that I lost a baby, would I? It wouldn't hit me at random times in random places and knock me to the ground would it?

I'm starting at a new school next year. Kindergarten after all- but a new school in the district. I'm a little scared because my current principal knows my story. She knows about the IVF and prematurity and losing Connor and the NICU and just the torture and amazement of the last year. The new principal and staff don't know.

I don't want to be just "another mom" because I'm not.

I don't want Connor to be nonexistant because they don't know.

But I also don't want to have to go through it all again. To explain to every teacher there that yes I have Colby. No he's not my first. But Connor died. That I have 1 living baby.

On another note- this past weekend I was in a friend's wedding in NH. No kids allowed. So Colby went to my parents house for the night on Saturday. My first night away from the bug!!! (Well, if you don't count the other 109 in the NICU!!) He was excited though and helped me pack.

He was happily spoiled and had a good time. But I like to think that he's happier to be home with Mommy & Daddy.

Because we missed him.

And we need him. Oh so much.


ashley said...

He is so cute sitting in the bag!!! I hope you find some peace with everything you're going through. You are a strong person, you can handle anything, look how far you've come. Can't believe it's been almost a year already.

Catherine W said...

Oh but Colby is absolutely adorable! Lil munchkin sitting so prettily in that bag! Congrats on the first night away from the bug. I still haven't snapped the apron strings yet (I'm tied to J's not the other way round, she couldn't care less whether I'm there or not!)

I really feel for you, starting a new job. I always feel as though I want EVERYONE to know and, at the same time, NOBODY to know. And I couldn't be doing with going through it all with a whole new bunch of people.

Thinking of you and your boys so much as you approach Colby and Connor's birthday. x

MoDLin said...

What a cute picture of Colby, the big packing helper!
That you haven't fully come to grips with the loss of Connor is no surprise. It's huge, HUGE. But slowly you will find a way to talk about it that will not be painful and will honor him. I'm sure it's daunting nowto think of starting in a new school and introducing yourself, your family to others. Now is a good time to practice what you'll say, to decide how to say it in a way that has meaning to you. Perhaps this is another big step in the whole process. Best wishes.

Anonymous said...

That picture of him sitting in the bag is so cute! I can't believe he is almost a year old.

Leah said...

Oh my gosh - he's so adorable. :)