Tuesday, January 19
Today is Colby and Connor's Six Month Birthday.
I've been thinking about it for so long. Half a year since they came so early. Half a year since our lives changed for the better. And I planned a big post... but I'm not sure what to write.
You already know what I'm thinking... it's been an amazing six months. It's also been a heartbreaking six months. Just as the whole journey getting pregnant was, the past six months has been about learning to accept what has happened and taking things a day at a time. It's been about enjoying the good while understanding that I might not understand why things happened- and that's okay. It's about knowing that, no matter what happens, we will make the best of it, move forward, and remember how lucky we are despite the sadness.
I'm not so much in a place of sadness as I was a few months ago. I've accepted that the boys were born so early and I don't beat myself up so much. Colby is doing so wonderfully and it's hard to be sad and angry about his time in the NICU. I've come to a place where I think that I accept Connor's death more. I can think about him and those moments and smile. I can remember that I have two boys and think that things have happened for a reason, if only to make me more thankful for the time I had with him. That's not to say that I don't have moments where I'm not completely overwhelmed by the loss, but those moments are getting easier to deal with-- perhaps because I've come to realize that it won't ever go away and I've been more okay with that.
Either way... six months. Amazing.
The boys' birth day! The only picture we have with the two of them...