Potty Time

So... sick again.  Seriously?

BUT Colby has been in underwear since Friday night and he has only had 2 accidents.  We put him in diapers to sleep for naps and night, but he was dry for nap time too.

Exciting, but more proof that he's growing up way too fast.

Kids vs. Work

Life has been busy.  That's an understatement of epic proportions, but it is what it is.

We got hit with another doozy of a sickness.  The kids came out unscathed and we're all alive, so I'll call it a success.  But seriously?  Can we be done for the season?

It might be the winter, the constant sickness, the zero time to breathe, stress at work, the combo of all of them.  But I am so over being a working mom.  I started teaching 6 years and I loved it.  LOVED it.  I had wanted to teach since the 3rd grade, so it was great to be living my job.  And I know that I am SO lucky to have gotten to do it for the past 6 years.  But somedays I just feel like I can't handle it anymore.

Statistically over 50% of teachers burn out by their 5th year.  So when I hit year 5 and I was still it in I felt like I was good to go, but not so anymore.  I still do like it.  Love it even.  But I'm stuck between motherhood and teaching.  I cannot give 100% to either avenue (and add in grad school & wife-dom too) and I hate it.  But I still try.  Any minute I am home I am 100%+ about the kiddos.  Play & feeding & diapers & baths & stories & bed.  Motherhood, right?  But once they hit the hay (however fitfully because sleep?  They still don't get it.) I can't shut off my brain.  Then I have lesson plans, guided reading lessons, correcting, homework, anchor charts.  And grad class work.  And the normal laundry, dishes, bottles, sweeping.  But by midnight I'm so drained that I have to stop even though I easily have another few hours of work I could do.  So I go to bed, wake at 5 to get the day started, am in the car by 6:30, at school by 7:30.  I get through the day and try to steal minutes to get ahead, but it never works.  Instead my todo pile get precariously high.  My recess & lunch are spent catching up.  Then the end of the day comes, I shoo the kids out, pick up some of the mess (because for some reason by the end of the day there are 52 pencils on the floor no matter how often they're reminded to PICK UP).  Soon it's time to grab my bags so I can be home to let off the babysitter by 3:30.  But again, as I walk out that door I have hours of work left to do.

I never seem to get ahead because I'm not willing to sacrifice that time with my kids.  Because Colby was a baby just days ago I swear.  But now he's 2.5 going on 12 and too funny for his own good.  The girls were tiny babies needing new carseats because the regular ones were just too BIG, but now they're on the verge of walking and destroying the world.  And I can't keep up.  I can't miss this time, I won't forgive myself.  But I also can't keep half-assing it at work.  I mean, I work my butt off, but not the same way I used to.  Not the same way I want to.  Not the same way these kids deserve.

And that's where I'm stuck.  I went into teaching to be the best teacher I could be.  To give these kids the best start in life.  To make them LOVE school.  To be new and innovative and fun and educational.  I vowed to be the kind of teacher I would have wanted.  The kind I would want MY kids to have.  Because I believe in what I'm doing.  I'm in a job where I CAN'T slack.  I can't slack today and make up for it tomorrow.  I can't do it because it will impact a life forever.  I can't call this year a bust and vow to do better next year.  I just can't.

So I'm left exhausted, overwhelmed, and feeling defeated by my job.  I can't slack so I am still giving 100%, but feeling behind and beaten.  And then I'm told I need to be more social.  That I need to do more to be part of the group.  That I need to stay later to have time to chit chat.  But I have those three balls of beautiful energy waiting for me.  I have the reasons I wake up and live waiting for me.

So I'm feeling torn.  SO torn.  And I know it's not a new dilemma by any stretch of the imagination.  But I haven't felt this over it before.  I haven't felt so strongly that I could walk away and really be OKAY with it.  But practicality hits and I know we NEED my insurance (million dollar babies, anyone?) and my pension will be nice when those days come.  But we need to rework something because I have a feeling that I can't go on feeling like this for too long before things get bad...

Quick Recap

• The 1.5 months has included... 
• a virus for all 5 of us that lasted between 1 week (Johnny) and 1 month (Colby).  It was brutal and sleep was sorely lacking for all of us -- me mostly because the girls and Colby would.not.sleep.
• the virus was beginning to turn into pneumonia for Zoe, so she went on antibiotics
• pink eye for the 3 kiddos
• a stomach bug for 4 of us (Sydney has an iron stomach apparently)
• my mom in the hospital 2x for super-low potassium.  It's a problem that has just sort of recently began and it has been a tough few months since it began.  This last stint (5 days in the ICU) seemed to bring a little clarity to the issue though, so she's finally feeling a lot better.  
• grad class that has left me clueless because I just don't get the class.  
• my principal telling me that I have to be more "social" with the staff at school.  Because I don't go to parties and I don't eat lunch in the staff room.  But he forgets that I live 45+ minutes away, I have 3 kiddos 2 and under, and I am taking grad classes.  Oh and that I pump for my entire 50 minute lunch period. 
• weaning on the pumping.  But I don't think I'm going to be pump-free come Texas on Saturday.  I've got it down to 4(ish) times a day.  The pump is only free until March 25th, so I need to be pump-free by then.

Guilt

So, I've been back at work 1+ month.  Colby's a mess about it.  The girls don't really care as long as they eat.  But we should be been quarantined by the CDC because we've had so much sickness run through here in the last 1.5 months it's just ridiculous.  The latest was a nasty stomach bug that hit me on Sunday, then Johnny, then Colby and Zoe in a 5 hour period.  It lasted much longer than that though- I got off the luckiest and was fine by Monday afternoon.  Johnny and the kids are still struggling to get back to normal.  

But when I was sick?  It was brutal.  Not the throwing up part -- really, being pregnant gets you used to that.  Instead it was the total achiness/tiredness/just blah that was tough.  Because of it I had a stretch of 8 or so hours Sunday into Monday without pumping.  I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed -- everyone was finally sleeping and Johnny's mom was helping with the sick kids anyways so I was enjoying the rest.  Then Monday I went back to normal (normal being 9-10 times a day when home all day, pumping every 2-3 hours).  Then we watched the documentary American Teacher (watch it!) and there was a new mom-teacher who was pumping and then at the end of the movie she was finished pumping and she said something like "My whole life got a whole lot easier when I was done pumping."  Or something like that.

Then Monday night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I kept fantasizing thinking about stopping pumping.  I wouldn't have to spend my entire 50 minute lunch period sitting at my desk pumping; I could get work done and maybe some day catch up.  I wouldn't have to wake up 2 times a night (at midnight and 3am) and get up at 5am to pump to pump for 30 minutes at a time; I could sleep a little more.  I wouldn't have to spend 30 minutes every 2 hours hooked up while the girls attach the tubes; I could lay on the ground playing with them.  I wouldn't have to lug my pump to Texas in a few weeks when Colby and I travel.   It all seemed so great.  I went to sleep convinced that I was done.

The next morning I wasn't so sure.  I started to feel guilty and a bit selfish.  The girls are just over 3 months away from 1 year.  Why couldn't I last until then?  What if I ran out of the frozen stash too soon?  Why make us spend $30 a week on formula?  Why couldn't I be super mom?

Now you know I formula fed Colby, so it's not that I'm against formula. But I CAN pump.  I CAN produce the milk.  I CAN feed them.  I couldn't do the same for Colby.  So guilt is huge this time around.  With Colby?   I was fine.  

So now I'm still stuck in limbo.  Right now I'm letting myself sleep through the night (or at least from waking to waking -- the girls are still up about 2-3 times each during the night) from 11-5:30.  But it saves me about 1-1.5 hours of sleep that I would usually have spent pumping.  I pump around 10:30pm then not again until around 6:30am.  Then again around 12:30pm, 3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, and back to 10:30pm.  So really, I've cut down and now pump about 7 times (sometimes less).

I'm still dreaming of it being over, but like I said -- GUILT.  Or really, more than guilt, I think it's just the pressure I've put on myself to be "Super Mom".  Super Mom would be able to work, take classes, take care of 3 kids, get zero sleep, cloth diaper, make all her own baby food (I still find this fun, though), master a March of Dimes team, and still pump every 2 hours.  I'm kind of disappointing myself that I can't (or, really, that I can but am willing to step away for my own comfort).

So that's where I am with that.  I have to decide where I am fully going (trying to up the number of pumps again to get back to where I was and full supply or letting it dwindle off) before Colby and I leave for Texas on the 19th!

Separation Anxiety x 1,000,000

So, I've been back to work for almost 5 weeks.  Things have been going pretty well.  I'm up at 5 to pump and shower and all that good stuff.  I'm downstairs by 6 to wash my pump stuff, clean a few bottles, and wait for the nanny.  Sometimes the girls wake up while I'm getting ready, sometimes they don't.  I'm in the habit of waking Colby up (which I actually really, really hate because I know he needs the sleep) because I don't want him to panic when he sees that Mama's not there anymore.

See, the return to work has made Colby super super Mama-clingy.  He's usually pretty good about letting me out of the house in the AM with minimal tears or begging for me to stay, but when I am home there is no escape.  I can't shower, do laundry, or even run up to check on the girls without him needing to be with me.  If I leave him he breaks down in hysterics and it breaks my heart.  I know it's probably just another phase of separation anxiety but it's killing me.  I feel so badly for him that he gets so upset and on the other hand, I'm feeling a little run down that I can't get 2 seconds.  Instead I literally have to carry him up with me just to peek in on the sleeping girls.  (I have to carry him because he's in this "I don't want to fall" phase.  *sigh*  Phases.)

So I guess I'm asking for suggestions?  I kind of hate the thought of breaking this phase simply because I love to be wanted, but at the same time it really can't be good for him to be so dependent on me, right?  I mean, I've read a lot on child development during various courses and this just seems a little excessive and that makes me nervous.

Bullets

Some bits and pieces until it's time to turn of the pump or until a babe wakes up.

• I signed up for my last grad course last night.  (Last course, but I still have 2 pracs to do)  The semester started today & it really looks kind of manageable.  However, that might simply be because the class is called "Program Evaluation" and I have no clue what that means.  It's over April 7th.  I can make it until then.  Right?
• I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by the whole teaching-motherhood-no sleep-pumping every few hours- grad school thing.
• School has been going okay... my class is still tough, but I love them just the same.  They're coming along- they're starting to realize that I'm not going to tolerate their inappropriate behaviors.  I always tell my kids that I don't care if they make mistakes & I don't care if they don't understand how to do something, all that matters is that they try to learn, to listen, and to do their best.  Simply reminding them of that (over and over) has really seemed to help some of the kiddos get really excited about learning.
• I still feel so behind at school though.  We're finally through relearning routines (well, my routines) so we're settling in to actually completing lessons.  It's so different being in 1st grade than K though because I am just not a "follow-the-book-and-do-the-lessons" kind of person.  I use small groups and learning centers and hands on activities and I hate worksheets, but that's the total opposite of our 1st grade curriculum.  So I find myself struggling between what I know and do, covering the manual, and making sure that the two meld to somehow still meet the standards.
• Colby turned 2 1/2 on Thursday.  So the 21st was Saturday.  I know I've said it before, but it's really not getting any easier.  Instead I find myself kind of blindsided by glimpses of what might have been if only that morning had turned out differently.  That's a whole other issue though.
• The girls are 8 months old on Wednesday.  I can't believe it.  They're getting so big so fast it's scary.  By the time Colby was 8 months we already had our Baby #3 (which turned into #3 and #4) appointment with the RE.  This time?  I'm trying to catch my breath still!  (But there are some days where the Baby Bug is knocking at the door and I am so ready.)
• We interviewed and chose a new nanny.  This one has a 20 month old son she'll be bringing along.  I am a little nervous how that whole dynamic is going to work, but she seems pretty amazing, the kid is super cute and sweet, and Colby keeps singing "Logan!  Logan!  Logan!" because he wants to play with him again.  I hope it works out.  Until at least June.

It's almost midnight, so the pump won out.  The girls are still asleep.  :)  

Seriously 2012??

Oh lordy... so I was hoping that 2012 would hold great things.  So far it has been a big ole headache!

• Colby started getting sick on Dec. 29th with a fever and general "not-himself-ness".  It's been 3 weeks and he's still sick.  He's definitely getting better and nowhere near the "I-only-want-to-lay-around-and-watch-Cars" boy that he was for awhile there, but holy goodness.  Get over the cough and runny nose already.
• So of course I got sick and was pretty darn miserable.  School started back on Jan 3rd, the 4th I had a fever, sore throat, headache, and lost my voice.  I went to school the next day unable to talk, but the Friday I took off because Colby had pink eye.  Seriously? (That was Day #1 off from work)  Then I went the walk in the next day for my awful throat thinking it MUST be strep.  It was just a virus.  I am still sick.
• So of course the girls get sick.  Zoe & Syd started getting congested this past weekend.  Miserable times let me tell you.  I think that twins are really pretty easy.  Except when they're sick and clingy. Though still congested and cough-y, Sydney has started to feel a bit better with no noticeable fever.  Zoe was so NOT HERSELF that we went to the doctors today.  103 fever, bloodwork, and chest x-ray later, she was sent home with an antibiotic because of what showed up as the possible beginnings of pneumonia.   Oh and she has pink eye too. (These past two days were Days #2 and #3 off from work.  I have FIVE total before the end of the year.)  Here's to hoping my babes are better soon.
• On Monday of last week our nanny informed us that she is MOVING to NORTH CAROLINA on JANUARY 30th.  She got engaged and her boyfriend is in the Marines in NC.  So we're on the frantic search for a new nanny.