But when I was sick? It was brutal. Not the throwing up part -- really, being pregnant gets you used to that. Instead it was the total achiness/tiredness/just blah that was tough. Because of it I had a stretch of 8 or so hours Sunday into Monday without pumping. I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed -- everyone was finally sleeping and Johnny's mom was helping with the sick kids anyways so I was enjoying the rest. Then Monday I went back to normal (normal being 9-10 times a day when home all day, pumping every 2-3 hours). Then we watched the documentary American Teacher (watch it!) and there was a new mom-teacher who was pumping and then at the end of the movie she was finished pumping and she said something like "My whole life got a whole lot easier when I was done pumping." Or something like that.
Then Monday night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I kept
The next morning I wasn't so sure. I started to feel guilty and a bit selfish. The girls are just over 3 months away from 1 year. Why couldn't I last until then? What if I ran out of the frozen stash too soon? Why make us spend $30 a week on formula? Why couldn't I be super mom?
Now you know I formula fed Colby, so it's not that I'm against formula. But I CAN pump. I CAN produce the milk. I CAN feed them. I couldn't do the same for Colby. So guilt is huge this time around. With Colby? I was fine.
So now I'm still stuck in limbo. Right now I'm letting myself sleep through the night (or at least from waking to waking -- the girls are still up about 2-3 times each during the night) from 11-5:30. But it saves me about 1-1.5 hours of sleep that I would usually have spent pumping. I pump around 10:30pm then not again until around 6:30am. Then again around 12:30pm, 3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, and back to 10:30pm. So really, I've cut down and now pump about 7 times (sometimes less).
I'm still dreaming of it being over, but like I said -- GUILT. Or really, more than guilt, I think it's just the pressure I've put on myself to be "Super Mom". Super Mom would be able to work, take classes, take care of 3 kids, get zero sleep, cloth diaper, make all her own baby food (I still find this fun, though), master a March of Dimes team, and still pump every 2 hours. I'm kind of disappointing myself that I can't (or, really, that I can but am willing to step away for my own comfort).
So that's where I am with that. I have to decide where I am fully going (trying to up the number of pumps again to get back to where I was and full supply or letting it dwindle off) before Colby and I leave for Texas on the 19th!