Thursday, June 9

Still hurting

I don't have many memories of Connor on the outside. He lived for about 43 hours. In that time I only visited him a handful of times in the NICU. (I've said before, after he was born, I didn't even consider the chance of him or Colby dying, so I didn't even think for a second that our time was limited.) I don't know the exact number of minutes that I was actually with my little boy- but I know it wasn't much. And I regret that more than anything else in this world.

But I do have very distinct memories of his features. Unfortunately the best view I ever got of it was after he had passed away and all the tape and machines and wires were gone. But I can so clearly remember his fine lips, his dark eyes, and his small pointed nose. He had long fingers and toes that reminded me of my own "monkey toes".

Now as I feed Sydney late at night I can't help but see Connor. They look so very much alike-- more so than I see either one of them looking like Colby or Johnny or I.

I can't help but think how very different our lives would be right now had Connor lived. Who knows if we'd have our amazing girls. Who knows where we would be, what Connor would look like, or how crazy life would have turned out.

It's one of those things that nags at you... on the one hand, I want so very badly for Connor to be here with us, to make our family complete. But on the other hand, my family as I know it probably wouldn't be if Connor were alive. It's as if my heart has to make a choice to be okay without Connor to be so perfectly happy with my amazing girls. And I'm not okay without him, but at the same time I couldn't imagine life without Sydney and Zoe.

I know it's not my decision to make, but it still hurts.


Devon said...

I think its one of those things you can never reconcile....We didn't chose this path and we don't have to chose our children either.

I know its hard. I struggle with it often.

Leah said...

I think of you often, and how difficult losing a child is. Not that my situation is like yours at all, but sometimes I look at my two children and realize that my son wouldn't be in our lives at we not struggled to conceive. He just wouldn't. In my situation, it's easy to make my infertility a blessing, but I know that in no way Connor's passing will ever be a blessing.

I don't think you need to choose. You didn't choose to have Connor pass away. You never ever would have chosen that, yet that is the card that was dealt. And because of it, you tried to conceive, and were blessed with two beautiful girls and a doting older brother, and an angel older brother.

I'm sorry you still beat yourself up about the time you spent with Connor. You sound like an amazing mother, and I have no doubt that Connor knew and knows how much you love him.

Thinking of you.

Jen: Proud Mom of 7 Adopted Miracle Blessings said...

I'm so sorry that you are still in pain... you forgot to mention that when Connor was born, YOU were recovering from weeks on hospital bedrest AND an EMERGENCY C-Section- I think you had complications as well???

You are absolutely amazing as a Mom to ALL 4 of your children!!!

Please think of Sidney looking like Connor as a blessing- I know it was part of God's plan...

I wish I could give you a big hug!!!