Nursing Again...

This afternoon I nursed just Sydney & only on one side. Typically I try to do both at once, but, well, when Zoe decides not to wake up, there is no way around it. So it was just me and Syd for awhile. Then I waited a bit for Zoe to decide if she was ready but she just slept on so I decided that I had to pump because I had held Syd only to one side waiting for Zoe.

One side pumped about 4 oz. The other- the side Syd was on- only pumped about 10ml. Typically both sides are pretty similar- always off by just a few ml. I was pretty pumped (hahaha) that it seemed that Syd had gotten so much! Now if only there were some concrete way to tell! (Short of renting a scale because I'm not willing to pay extra!)

For a few days now I haven't made any formula bottles at all (woohoo). I'm letting the girls nurse on demand so it's kind of super exhausting. I think I only got about 1 hour of sleep last night because they're not on the same schedule anymore. (I gave up the schedule idea because it seemed too rigid for their development) There are periods of the day where I feel like I'm nursing for hours (because I am!) but it's worth it. And Colby is JUST SO GOOD about it. We spend lots of time coloring and reading while I'm nursing...

Tomorrow is their one month check so I can't wait to hear their weights!

Because everyone needs a little cute...

Nursing

Originally I was pumping like crazy to build up my supply. I hardly ever nursed the girls because I couldn't keep track of how much was consumed or produced, so instead I just hooked up to my trusty friend. There was pride in the numbers when I was hitting higher numbers each day.

But then I realized that if I only pumped, sure I'd get high numbers, but then the girls would never learn to nurse. I'd be hooked to the pump until I decided to give up feeding them breastmilk and, well, I really hate the pump. :)

SO I started nursing more- every feed- then giving them a breastmilk bottle to top them off, and then pumping. It was going well... and today at their 9am feed I nursed them simultaneously. (It's still such a pain... I need a better pillow) BUT afterwards I offered them bottles and BOTH refused. I don't know if that means they got a full feed, but it does tell me that they got enough to satisfy them for the time being. VERY cool. (Very uncool is the two breastmilk bottles that are going to waste... :))

A few photos

A few randoms while I pump... in no particular order...

Zo-ster feeling a little disgruntled with life.

Zoe again, content with her pacifier.

Sydney cuddled up.

Sydney the day she came home.

Sydney holding her pacifier.

The girls, Sydney in pink and Zoe in purple.

Sydney pre-diaper change.

3 Weeks of GIRLS!

3 weeks!?

The girls are already three weeks old. How is that possible?

Today I should be 37 weeks 2 days pregnant. Instead I have amazing, perfect 3 week olds!

Like I said when I had the boys-- I miss being pregnant and feeling the kicks more than I can express. Things were a little calmer having the girls than the boys, so I had time to think about what was happening and what it meant. I remember laying on the operating table after having the spinal/epidural and feeling numbed and thinking "I've felt their last kicks from inside."

It hit me then that it was over. In minutes I would no longer be pregnant and never again pregnant with twins (please? thank you.).

But these past 3 weeks have been better with them out than they could have possibly been with them in!

• Both girls have to be over 5 pounds now.
• They sleep most of the day but they are just so cute when they're sleeping.
• And when they're awake and taking in everything with their big beautiful eyes? My heart just melts.
• Preemie clothes are too small because they're so long but newborn clothes are way too big in every other way. Still super cute.
• Sydney loves to be swaddled and doesn't fight it at all.
• Zoe fights with the Swaddle Me and often breaks her arms out like Houdini.
• Colby loves his baby sisters and showers them with kisses. Only twice has a solid object hit one of the girls-- once was Colby's hand as he tried to hand me a shirt and once was Percy the train as it sailed over the couch. These girls will be tough. :)

Help! :)

I need ideas for Father's Day! I've been trying and trying to come up with a great idea but I have no idea!

Still alive!

So far life with 3 under 2 is totally manageable.

Yes, I'll eat those words in a few days I am sure.

Zoe has been home for just over a week and Sydney came home just under a week ago. They're still on a pretty awesome schedule. (One of the perks of the NICU!) They eat every 3.5-4 hours or so and take 2oz a pop. I've kept them on the same schedule for the most part. We'e had a little variance when one would fall asleep mid-feed and wake 2 hours later. Obviously instead of starving them we've fed them, but only a 1/2 feed in the hopes of getting them up 2 hours later again. In between feeds they pretty much just sleep. They both have some great awake periods during the day where they're super alert, but they're few and far between. Right now they just need to focus on growing, so they sleep and sleep. Until Colby goes to the pack n play and yells "Hi babies!!" ;)

Night is pretty easy too (again, I'm prepared to eat those words). I do night care completely alone so usually 1 wakes up right around 3-4 hours and I have an alarm set incase they don't. Which ever one wakes first gets taken care of first. I do a 1/2 feed, change the diaper & reswaddle to rewake them, and then finish the other 1/2 feed. Who ever didn't wake first gets woken up to feed immediately after. Same thing happens. Then when they're both back down, I pump and head back to bed. It usually takes about 1-1.5 hours depending on how tired we all are. Then I hop back in bed reset the alarm, and wake up at the next cries. :)

Right now I'm pumping, formula feeding, and breastfeeding. We have to fortify all their feeds to 22 calories including breastmilk so there's no chance of exclusively breastfeeding. I'm also still desperately trying to build my supply so that I can do 100% of their feeds (either through a bottle or nursing). Right now I'm pretty close-- I pump enough for at least 75% of their feeds, maybe more, but it's not quite 100%. I'd love to nurse exclusively, but right now I'm content knowing that at least most of their food is at least breastmilk even if it is pumped. (Plus, there's a sense of satisfaction when I fill bottles after pumping! :P)

Tomorrow is my first day home with all 3 alone. I'm not worried... I know I can totally handle it, but I am tired, so that's the only obstacle. If I had a full night of sleep once in the past few months I'd be peppy and ready to go, but waking every 1-2ish hours for a few months is very wearing. :)

I'll add some pictures soon. :) Probably during a 2am pumping session. (Because that's the only time I ever get any "me" time. :) Oh, and those hands-free pumping bras? The best invention EVER.)

Still hurting

I don't have many memories of Connor on the outside. He lived for about 43 hours. In that time I only visited him a handful of times in the NICU. (I've said before, after he was born, I didn't even consider the chance of him or Colby dying, so I didn't even think for a second that our time was limited.) I don't know the exact number of minutes that I was actually with my little boy- but I know it wasn't much. And I regret that more than anything else in this world.

But I do have very distinct memories of his features. Unfortunately the best view I ever got of it was after he had passed away and all the tape and machines and wires were gone. But I can so clearly remember his fine lips, his dark eyes, and his small pointed nose. He had long fingers and toes that reminded me of my own "monkey toes".

Now as I feed Sydney late at night I can't help but see Connor. They look so very much alike-- more so than I see either one of them looking like Colby or Johnny or I.

I can't help but think how very different our lives would be right now had Connor lived. Who knows if we'd have our amazing girls. Who knows where we would be, what Connor would look like, or how crazy life would have turned out.

It's one of those things that nags at you... on the one hand, I want so very badly for Connor to be here with us, to make our family complete. But on the other hand, my family as I know it probably wouldn't be if Connor were alive. It's as if my heart has to make a choice to be okay without Connor to be so perfectly happy with my amazing girls. And I'm not okay without him, but at the same time I couldn't imagine life without Sydney and Zoe.

I know it's not my decision to make, but it still hurts.

We're home!

So much to update on... and I have about 5 unfinished posts saved that I may never finish (and a few that don't really apply anymore).

BUT...

Zoe came home on Saturday. Sydney came home today.

They're both tiny and still under 5lbs, but they're perfect and we are thrilled!

All four of my babies are under one roof.

And on a totally unrelated note, Colby randomly started kissing the heart-box that holds Connor's ashes.

The Girls

The girls are doing great in the NICU. It's SO nice to not have a lot to worry about with them...

Pictures will come when I'm back home- the upload is slow here.

Sydney

• Open air crib
• Full feeds by mouth
• Regulating own temp
• Gaining weight (4lbs 7.6oz tonight)
• Fiesty if not attended to quickly
• Few spells and o2 drifts

Zoe

• Open air crib
• Regulating own temp
• Most feeds by mouth
• Feeding tube used occasionally
• Gaining weight a little more slowly (4lbs 7.6oz tonight)
• Lots of big spits
• Few spells
• Supppper nosy

Big Brother, Colby

• In LOVE
• Super sweet
• Adjusting well
• Missing Mama (Mama's missing the Bug a TON!)