Tuesday, July 20
I still haven't gotten around to writing about the boys' birthday party or their actual birthday yesterday. Suffice to say they were great and not so great all rolled into one little package.
Today we went to Infant Follow-Up at Children's (finally). We were supposed to go when Colby was 10 months back in May, but the appointment had been cancelled by Children's and only now rescheduled. In addition to being screened for Early Intervention back in November, this follow-up is designed to reevaluate speech, socialization, and gross and fine motor skills.
We were there for about 2 hours meeting with the specialists. Colby was cute as always. He wouldn't even attempt a few tasks and some he couldn't do. In the end he scored at 11 months for gross motor, fine motor, cognition, and socialization. He scored at 7 months for receptive language and 8 months for expressive language. As they were scoring him as a 9 month old (corrected) I was thrilled with the 11 month scores. I was a little disappointed by the 7 and 8 month scores, but we were reassured that he's in the normal range and will likely catch up very soon. So now we work on language. :)
After the appointment we called over the the NICU and found out that none of Colby's primaries were working, but the secretary said she'd love to see him, so we decided to make the short walk over anyways.
It was such an odd feeling once we made it into the parking garage. I parked there way too many times and made the trek into the lobby, up the elevators, and onto the NICU floor. It brought back so many memories- and once again I quite sift through them, so instead they linger and ache in the pit of my stomach. We didn't go in the NICU itself, but hung out in the hallways by the desk, but we could still see in through the glass doors. The bank of sinks where we scrubbed in every visit, the hallways leading to the boys' first (and only) room together. The "secret" door to cut through to the other side of the NICU.
I walked in theew so many times. Scrubbed in, knew the procedure. I felt at home in some weird way there. But it was also linked to so many painful memories and hard times.
Exactly 1 year ago I visited the boys 4 times. Only 4 times. I saw Connor alive 4 times. Maybe 20 minutes at a time... so maybe for just over an hour of his short life. I've said it before-- once he was born I knew their could be setbacks and maybe even problems that lasted for a long time. But never once did I think I would lose him. I never thought he would die. It wasn't a possibility. If I did, if the thought even crossed my mind for a second, I never would have left that floor. I would have stayed with him every second. But I didn't and it's a regret that I will carry for the rest of my life.
And that's the reminder that washed over me as I visited today. If I had known 1 year ago what I know now... maybe things would have been different. Maybe I'd be more at peace. Maybe I'd understand more.