Acceptance

Just over 12 hours until my babies are officially one. One year since their wild entrance into the world with their *tiny* perfect cries. One year since our world was rocked and changed forever by 2+lbs of cuteness .

I'm not sure how I feel. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel. But I thought that by now- 365 days later- it would be more real. It would feel like this is my life, not like some crazy surreal dream.

Daily I look at Colby and just stare in awe. I have this perfect, happy, healthy, adorable baby. (Big boy now, I guess.) He's mine. He's mine?? How did I get so lucky? The thought of watching him grow makes me ache with happiness. His smile literally warms my heart. I am so lucky.

Daily I look at Connor's photos, his heart urn, his footprints and I stare in disbelief. I remember his frail skin, the tubes, the wires... his blue eyes, his dark hair, the feel of him gripping my finger as he said goodbye. I had this perfect, tiny baby boy taken from me so quickly. Much too soon. He's still mine. But why isn't he here with me? I get it in medical terms... logically, rationally. But I don't get it.

Why can't I accept that this is my life now? Why can't I just accept that Colby's here and Connor's not and be okay with that? Why do I have to dwell on this aching feeling that I can't figure out? This feeling like I know this is reality... but the feeling that I have that I will soon wake up from my pain? How can it be almost 1 year since their birth and almost 1 year since Connor's death and how can I still be wrestling with the feelings that spill out?

I know that it won't get much easier. I've learned that much over the past year. It will get easier in some respects I'm sure... but it will never be easy. It will never be okay. I just wish I could overcome this sickening sinking feeling I have in my stomach and heart every time I think about how things were supposed to be, how they became, and how they are.

I wish I was okay with the life I have to accept.

The life where babies die.

The life where my baby died.