Tuesday, July 20

Almost 1 year

Less than 12 hours until the time we lost Connor last year.

I'm nervous to see what the day will bring...

I'm already having a hard time when I close my eyes. I snuck in a nap this afternoon with Colby.

As we napped, I was greeted by a dream that brought me back to that morning. So familiar, so vivid... but still so long ago. The details are etched in my memory. The sound of the hi-fi vent is so distinctive and it resonated through the dream. The beeping of monitors was accompanied by a flurry of commotion was all around as the nurses worked to save Connor. The nurse was bagging him and I watched the stats as they fluctuated.

Colby woke me up before the dream could finish- before I could find out if this time things would be different.

This year I'm a million miles away from where I was on July 21st, 2009. But I can't keep it at bay.

I have a longing to go back- to see if things could possibly be different. A longing to touch his face, to feel his skin, to kiss him one last time. To tell him how very much I love him, that I'm so proud of him, that he will forever be one of the strongest and bravest people I have ever known.

But I can't go back... life has moved forward.

But it still hurts so very much.

1 comment:

Catherine W said...

Oh Stace. I feel like a little part of me got left behind in a similar room, under similar circumstances. And that little part of me will always remain there. Life does move forward and many things have changed but not for that little bit of me.

I think that Connor knew how much you loved him and how proud you were of him. I hope he knew that his mama was there and that he heard your familiar voice speaking to him.

Thinking of you and your brave boys, especially today. xo