Tuesday, July 20
Almost 1 year
Less than 12 hours until the time we lost Connor last year.
I'm nervous to see what the day will bring...
I'm already having a hard time when I close my eyes. I snuck in a nap this afternoon with Colby.
As we napped, I was greeted by a dream that brought me back to that morning. So familiar, so vivid... but still so long ago. The details are etched in my memory. The sound of the hi-fi vent is so distinctive and it resonated through the dream. The beeping of monitors was accompanied by a flurry of commotion was all around as the nurses worked to save Connor. The nurse was bagging him and I watched the stats as they fluctuated.
Colby woke me up before the dream could finish- before I could find out if this time things would be different.
This year I'm a million miles away from where I was on July 21st, 2009. But I can't keep it at bay.
I have a longing to go back- to see if things could possibly be different. A longing to touch his face, to feel his skin, to kiss him one last time. To tell him how very much I love him, that I'm so proud of him, that he will forever be one of the strongest and bravest people I have ever known.
But I can't go back... life has moved forward.
But it still hurts so very much.