Saturday, April 17

I'm alive!

I'm alive! Really!

Things have been super crazy now that I'm back at work. I don't have a minute to myself, but I kind of like it. We're in a rhythm that works for us. This weekend I had a bridal shower to go to for a wedding I'm in in June, so I went down to my parents for Friday night. On the way back today I dropped Colby off at Johnny's parents house because he was there visiting. I came back to our house to unpack and nap... but instead I decided to do some updating!

Colby is doing great! He will be 9 months on Monday. (!?!?!?) I absolutely cannot believe it. Today marks 6 months from his due date which is also a little bit crazy to me.

He caught a little cold earlier this week and woke up super stuffed up on Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. He would only sleep being held by me, so we slept upright in the rocking chair that night. The next night he never went down and would again only sleep in my arms, so we propped up on the couch for the night. Both nights I got very little sleep and was a zombie at school... but I honestly kind of liked it. Being with the bug, even at night is wonderful and having him cuddle up is the best. He went to the doctors to check out the cold on Thursday. He checked out A-okay. We just wanted to make sure it wasn't moving to his preemie lungs-- figures that his RSV doses ended last month! He's doing better- the cold didn't slow him down at all.

He weighed in at 18 pounds exactly on Thursday. He's still fitting into 3-6 month onesies and pants because the weight is mostly in his head. His pjs are 6-9 months, but those are getting a little too short on him. He's long with a big head-- his hats are 18-24 months. :)

He still loves to eat! Sweet potatoes are his favorite and those gross Step 1 meats are his least favorite.

I let him help feed himself... he made a mess, but did a great job!
I love that you can see his new teeth!

He's still not really rolling back to front. He's close, but he gets lazy and often just ends up laying in an uncomfortable position. He can roll easily front to back, but quite often his massive head throws him off-balance and he unintentionally rolls while reaching for something.

Just hanging out on his side... look how small his umbilical hernia is!

He 's not really crawling yet, but he can spin in a circle like a champ, he scoots backwards a bit, and he's just beginning to figure out how to get his knees underneath himself. I still find it amazing to watch each change and development take place. You can see the wheels in his head turning as he tries to figure things out-- he's a good problem solver.

Spinning like a top!

He's generally SUPER easy. He sleeps great (yes, I know I'm jinxing myself), eats like a champ, and loves to play, but he has a temper! If you take something from him- particularly the phone or a magazine- he tenses up, turns red, and yells. Luckily he is easily distracted! His personality is really showing through.

His top 2 teeth are coming in making him chew on anything and everything in sight...

His star is just the perfect size and shape for chomping on.

Chewing on his playmat mirror!

He's starting to find things "funny". He likes the word "squirt" because I say it when I use his bath toys on him. He loves when Daddy puts a towel on his head. He likes when you close your eyes then open them and say Boo. He'll break into a huge smile or just start with a huge belly laugh. It's priceless. :)

I can't say enough about him. I am LOVING every minute with him. Each day is something new and wonderful. Motherhood has been the most amazing, wonderful thing ever. It's tiring, but a million times better than I could have ever imagined. There is nothing I would change. I have found it SO easy and SO natural to fall into the role of Mom. I was meant for it.

Back to Work:
I went back to work on April 5th, so I've been back in the swing of things for 2 weeks already. Johnny took Week 1 back off so he was Mr. Mom all week. Knowing he was home made things easier that first week. I knew Colby was in the best hands. This past week Colby was cared for by Johnny's mom, my mom, and our sitter B. And this coming week is April vacation so I'm home. :)

I have even less time to myself now because as soon as Colby goes to bed I have to finish up school stuff, get things ready for the next morning, and then go to bed, but it works for us. Going back was definitely much less horrible and traumatic than I thought it would be. (Everyone told me that it would be!)

My class was excited to have me back, I'm glad to be back with my teacher-friends, and my days are so busy that I don't even have time to think. Occasionally I stop during the day and I have a thought of "Someone else is watching Colby..." and it's a little odd, but I remind myself that I'm working for him and I honestly believe that spending time with other people will be good for him in the long run. I am still determined to be a full-time mom as well, so my nights are 100% Colby, as are my weekends. I still do everything I would have if I were home all day-- washing bottles, laundry, feeding him, etc.-- now I just do it at different times and like I already said, it's working for us.

I'm starting to realize lately that I haven't worked through my grief or really dealt with the loss of Connor. I think I already knew that, but little things are making it more apparent lately. I don't really know how to explain it. When Connor died I dealt with his death and saying goodbye, but now I'm realizing more that I never thought about dealing with his memory and I'm forced to do that more and more.

We're almost at 9 months post-losing him and it seems like an eternity. He's so hard to realize that he has been gone so much longer than he was here- even inside of me. Life with Colby is so normal, so perfect... but I'm still hit on a daily basis with thoughts of what would have been. I brought Colby food shopping the other day and wondered if I could have managed with 2 babies. I sat up with Colby when he was sick and I wondered if I could have managed that with 2 babies. I wonder if I will always just wonder what would have been. I know I probably will, but I wonder if the shock will stop overcoming me like it does now. Stupid little things send me reeling too- it's as if my brain can make almost anything relate to Connor and his loss and the pain and the grief... and before I know it I'm struggling to breathe and I have to remind myself that we're making it through the best we can and all I have to remember is how much I love him.

One of Johnny's cousins just had a new baby and named him Quentin James. James after Johnny's grandfather. Connor's middle name had been James as well after Johnny's grandfather. Hearing the new baby's name hit me in a bad way. I think if the cousins had talked to us before naming their baby and told us that part of their desire to give him James as his middle name was to honor Connor I would have felt better, but as far as I know Connor was not even through of in the naming process. It's another one of those petty things I have, but it bothers me. (But my annoyance might be compounded by the fact that these are the people who made "Conner" a footnote in their Christmas letter and who, a few years back, when we told them that we were doing IF, told us that "Some people just aren't meant to have kids.")

Baby #3
I have my appointment with my OB on Wednesday. My goal is that she will refer me to a new high risk OB to meet with to discuss cerclage and some injection she talked about. I'm not a fan of my old high risk doctor. He was the one who told me that "babies at 23 weeks mean no babies" when I was dangerously close to having them at 23w2d and he also is the one who greeted me that fateful day with "So, do we put you in the hospital tonight or wait a few days?" I called him one night I was on bedrest at home and he never called me back. The time I was in the hospital he never visited me. And after Connor died, he never visited or called. My OB who was on maternity leave at the time, called from her home to tell me how sorry she was... basically I don't want to deal with my high risk doctor. Though... a part of me knows that I owe Colby's life and the 2 days we had with Connor to him. If not for his monitoring I very well could have gone into labor very much sooner and the results could have been even more heartbreaking...

Anyways, I'm also hoping that my OB will write me a new referral for my doctor at the fertility clinic so we can get that whole process started again. The prospect of starting another fresh IVF is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.

I've been thinking about everything lately. My goal was to have 4-5 kids, but I'm not sure if that will be physically possible anymore. My delivery was an emergency C-section and though I had a horizontal incision outside, my uterus had a vertical incision making it too risky to try a VBAC, so c-section is the only way to go and I'm not sure that many doctors would okay another 3 or 4 c-sections. I guess we'll see what happens...

March of Dimes:
We're walking in the Boston March of Dimes in May with a 30+ member family team. Our team is one of the top MA teams as far as online fundraising is concerned. We'd still love more donations, so if you'd like, PLEASE click on the March of Dimes widget on the side! :)


Ashley said...

Glad you're back..I MISSED YOU:) Love the pics!! Hope you have a great week!

Leah said...

It's so nice to get an update. I've been wondering how you are doing, but can only imagine how busy you've been with working and having little Colby at home.

And those pictures of him are priceless! Love the messy food pictures. Too darn cute. :-)

I can't even imagine the pain you continue to feel with losing Connor. Thinking of you.

Catherine W said...

Colby is SUPER DUPER sweet! So precious. The last photo on this post just melts my heart. And I love the expression on his face on the 'spinning like a top' picture. He looks so surprised and pleased with himself.
His hernia has gone down beautifully hasn't it? J's was the same. It went from massive to . . . um, where's that hernia again?!

Glad that going back to work has been okay. I have those strange moments of 'somebody else is watching J' or I kind of start looking for her in the office. I'm just so used to checking out what she is up to that I can't break the habit even when I KNOW she isn't there.

I still have those 'what could have been' thoughts. I just wonder what it would have been like to have both my twins here with me. Hectic but . . oh, I just wish I could have tried it, that I could have had the times with G that I've enjoyed so much with her sister.

I'm sorry about your cousins. Ick. That must have hurt you terribly. As you say, fine if they had discussed it first but . . oh dear.

Hope you get the new high risk doctor. Perhaps your old one would care to be introduced to J? And I know a far few more 23 weekers. They aren't plentiful but they certainly aren't an impossibility. What an unkind thing for him to say to you under those circumstances.

Argh, I've kind of written my own post on YOUR blog. Sorry Stace. I've obviously got FAR too much to say for myself! x

svallely said...

Ok... He looks JUST like Johnny in that last picture!!!!!