Thanks :)

Thanks for the opinions.

Okay, so the decision is that I'm just being neurotic...

So instead of complaining, I will spare you the tale of woe of the mom at school crying to me about her 38 week baby and the story of the sitter having her husband- who we have never met- over.

But I will distract you with a picture that cracks me up!

Opinions!

I need opinions...

So we have a sitter 1/2 days Monday and Tuesday and full days Wednesday and Thursday. She was the greatest find in the beginning and she still is very good with Colby.

But...

She's starting to really get on my nerves. When we hired her I made it explicitly clear multiple times that there was NO housekeeping involved at all. It's hard enough for me to be away from Colby all day, I still want to feel like I'm "in charge" of all the stuff I was in charge of before.

But... she has started doing things.

She rearranges his toy baskets every day.

She cleaned our stove top the other day.

She dust busted our bathroom.

She has emptied trash barrels.

She dusted our tv stand.

She rotates out Colby's blankets and refolds all of them in his room.

She takes the mirror out of his crib every.day.

She dust busted our couches.

Then there was his bookshelf.

The bookshelf was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had the bookshelf arranged in a certain way, stuffed animals were grouped by who gave them to him and when (before birth, in the hospital, etc.). His turtle that matches Connor's was front and center. Books were grouped in a certain way. His angel feather from Connor was prominent. Toys in baskets were arranged by type.

Basically he was organized in a way that I would never organize the rest of my life, but I liked it. (My control freak tendencies coming out?)

Now the bookshelf is completely reorganized. And I HATE it. But the worst part... the only time I can figure that she would have been able to clean his bookshelf so throughly would have been when he was awake. There's no way that someone could have cleaned it while he was sleeping in the same room.

So, I don't know what to do. I don't know if I am being too freakish. I mean, she's cleaning... she's not destroying our house or something. But I find it annoying and slightly insulting. What do I do?

And am I crazy? :)

We're on!

The date is May 22nd!

I'm optimistic that this will maybe mean an IVF by the end of the summer!

And because I have gotten about 10 comments on this picture since I sent out the "Colby Candids" (yes, I am a dork) last night...

Appointments Galore!

Colby's asleep.

Hubby's at Red Sox game.

I should be doing a bajillion school-related things.

But here I am...

Pulmonology, Blood Work, and the NICU

Today we had Colby's 3rd pulmonology appointment at Children's. I love these appointments because it basically goes like this:

Dr: He's such a cutie. Let's see- how's his breathing?

Me: Perfect.

Dr: Any issues?

Me: None

Dr: How's he eating? Does he need to see the nutritionist?

Me: Great. He loves to eat. And I don't think so...

Dr: (Looks at growth chart) Oh! Wow! He was 3 months early right?

Me: Yes

Dr: Well he's on the growth chart for his actual age! No need to see the nutritionist! Let's take a listen. (Listens) Lungs clear. He looks perfect and sounds perfect. Unless anything comes up, let's just schedule his regular check-up!

The appointments are quick and painless. And who doesn't like hearing how great their baby is doing? Especially their once-tiny, maybe-won't-make-it preemie baby?

We go back in 6 months at 1 year corrected for a Pulmonology Function Test, but after that we'll probably be on a once a year schedule. (YES!)

We also did his blood draw (FINALLY). We had tried going to the pedi 4 times, and he got poked maybe 6 or 7 times without luck so back in February we got orders to do a blood draw at Children's. I didn't want to drive in for just the draw so we waited til we knew we had this appointment. The nurse who did the draw was AWESOME and got it first try and he did really, really great. A little crying, but not nearly as bad as the attempts at the pediatricians.

After our visit to Children's, Johnny wanted to visit the NICU nurses. Me, not so much. We've been back to visit a few times already and I don't feel like we should pop in every single time we're in the neighborhood. Plus, I know logically that, though they loved Colby while he was there, they probably love every baby that comes through (especially the multi-month-ers) and he's probably not quite as #1 to them as he is to us.

Add on to that the fact that today is the 21st, 9 months since Connor died... the LAST place I wanted to be was anywhere NEAR the NICU. But my hubby doesn't quite get that, so it turned into a little bit of an issue today. He was mad that I didn't want to visit and I was hurt that he couldn't let it go. It's 9 months later and he still doesn't get that the 19th, 20th, and 21st are sucky days for me every month. He says it's because he doesn't remember numbers like I do, but I don't know... Bleh.

Baby #3

Today I finally had my appointment with my OB. It was quick and painless as well! Basically she reminded me that subsequent pregnancies will involve a c-section (already knew), re-educated me on the weekly injection she will suggest I take (don't remember the name), discussed why she doesn't think a cerclage will help at all (apparently I was mildly contracting pre-admittance to the hospital), suggested a high risk doctor (yay! a new one!), and gave me my referral to visit RSC again! So I will make our re-consult tomorrow and we'll see when that is! It's exciting to be back in the flow of things (almost).

I'm alive!

I'm alive! Really!

Things have been super crazy now that I'm back at work. I don't have a minute to myself, but I kind of like it. We're in a rhythm that works for us. This weekend I had a bridal shower to go to for a wedding I'm in in June, so I went down to my parents for Friday night. On the way back today I dropped Colby off at Johnny's parents house because he was there visiting. I came back to our house to unpack and nap... but instead I decided to do some updating!

Colby:

Colby is doing great! He will be 9 months on Monday. (!?!?!?) I absolutely cannot believe it. Today marks 6 months from his due date which is also a little bit crazy to me.

He caught a little cold earlier this week and woke up super stuffed up on Tuesday night/early Wednesday morning. He would only sleep being held by me, so we slept upright in the rocking chair that night. The next night he never went down and would again only sleep in my arms, so we propped up on the couch for the night. Both nights I got very little sleep and was a zombie at school... but I honestly kind of liked it. Being with the bug, even at night is wonderful and having him cuddle up is the best. He went to the doctors to check out the cold on Thursday. He checked out A-okay. We just wanted to make sure it wasn't moving to his preemie lungs-- figures that his RSV doses ended last month! He's doing better- the cold didn't slow him down at all.

He weighed in at 18 pounds exactly on Thursday. He's still fitting into 3-6 month onesies and pants because the weight is mostly in his head. His pjs are 6-9 months, but those are getting a little too short on him. He's long with a big head-- his hats are 18-24 months. :)

He still loves to eat! Sweet potatoes are his favorite and those gross Step 1 meats are his least favorite.

I let him help feed himself... he made a mess, but did a great job!

I love that you can see his new teeth!

He's still not really rolling back to front. He's close, but he gets lazy and often just ends up laying in an uncomfortable position. He can roll easily front to back, but quite often his massive head throws him off-balance and he unintentionally rolls while reaching for something.

Just hanging out on his side... look how small his umbilical hernia is!

He 's not really crawling yet, but he can spin in a circle like a champ, he scoots backwards a bit, and he's just beginning to figure out how to get his knees underneath himself. I still find it amazing to watch each change and development take place. You can see the wheels in his head turning as he tries to figure things out-- he's a good problem solver.

Spinning like a top!

He's generally SUPER easy. He sleeps great (yes, I know I'm jinxing myself), eats like a champ, and loves to play, but he has a temper! If you take something from him- particularly the phone or a magazine- he tenses up, turns red, and yells. Luckily he is easily distracted! His personality is really showing through.

His top 2 teeth are coming in making him chew on anything and everything in sight...

His star is just the perfect size and shape for chomping on.

Chewing on his playmat mirror!

He's starting to find things "funny". He likes the word "squirt" because I say it when I use his bath toys on him. He loves when Daddy puts a towel on his head. He likes when you close your eyes then open them and say Boo. He'll break into a huge smile or just start with a huge belly laugh. It's priceless. :)

I can't say enough about him. I am LOVING every minute with him. Each day is something new and wonderful. Motherhood has been the most amazing, wonderful thing ever. It's tiring, but a million times better than I could have ever imagined. There is nothing I would change. I have found it SO easy and SO natural to fall into the role of Mom. I was meant for it.

Back to Work:

I went back to work on April 5th, so I've been back in the swing of things for 2 weeks already. Johnny took Week 1 back off so he was Mr. Mom all week. Knowing he was home made things easier that first week. I knew Colby was in the best hands. This past week Colby was cared for by Johnny's mom, my mom, and our sitter B. And this coming week is April vacation so I'm home. :)

I have even less time to myself now because as soon as Colby goes to bed I have to finish up school stuff, get things ready for the next morning, and then go to bed, but it works for us. Going back was definitely much less horrible and traumatic than I thought it would be. (Everyone told me that it would be!)

My class was excited to have me back, I'm glad to be back with my teacher-friends, and my days are so busy that I don't even have time to think. Occasionally I stop during the day and I have a thought of "Someone else is watching Colby..." and it's a little odd, but I remind myself that I'm working for him and I honestly believe that spending time with other people will be good for him in the long run. I am still determined to be a full-time mom as well, so my nights are 100% Colby, as are my weekends. I still do everything I would have if I were home all day-- washing bottles, laundry, feeding him, etc.-- now I just do it at different times and like I already said, it's working for us.

Connor:

I'm starting to realize lately that I haven't worked through my grief or really dealt with the loss of Connor. I think I already knew that, but little things are making it more apparent lately. I don't really know how to explain it. When Connor died I dealt with his death and saying goodbye, but now I'm realizing more that I never thought about dealing with his memory and I'm forced to do that more and more.

We're almost at 9 months post-losing him and it seems like an eternity. He's so hard to realize that he has been gone so much longer than he was here- even inside of me. Life with Colby is so normal, so perfect... but I'm still hit on a daily basis with thoughts of what would have been. I brought Colby food shopping the other day and wondered if I could have managed with 2 babies. I sat up with Colby when he was sick and I wondered if I could have managed that with 2 babies. I wonder if I will always just wonder what would have been. I know I probably will, but I wonder if the shock will stop overcoming me like it does now. Stupid little things send me reeling too- it's as if my brain can make almost anything relate to Connor and his loss and the pain and the grief... and before I know it I'm struggling to breathe and I have to remind myself that we're making it through the best we can and all I have to remember is how much I love him.

One of Johnny's cousins just had a new baby and named him Quentin James. James after Johnny's grandfather. Connor's middle name had been James as well after Johnny's grandfather. Hearing the new baby's name hit me in a bad way. I think if the cousins had talked to us before naming their baby and told us that part of their desire to give him James as his middle name was to honor Connor I would have felt better, but as far as I know Connor was not even through of in the naming process. It's another one of those petty things I have, but it bothers me. (But my annoyance might be compounded by the fact that these are the people who made "Conner" a footnote in their Christmas letter and who, a few years back, when we told them that we were doing IF, told us that "Some people just aren't meant to have kids.")

Baby #3

I have my appointment with my OB on Wednesday. My goal is that she will refer me to a new high risk OB to meet with to discuss cerclage and some injection she talked about. I'm not a fan of my old high risk doctor. He was the one who told me that "babies at 23 weeks mean no babies" when I was dangerously close to having them at 23w2d and he also is the one who greeted me that fateful day with "So, do we put you in the hospital tonight or wait a few days?" I called him one night I was on bedrest at home and he never called me back. The time I was in the hospital he never visited me. And after Connor died, he never visited or called. My OB who was on maternity leave at the time, called from her home to tell me how sorry she was... basically I don't want to deal with my high risk doctor. Though... a part of me knows that I owe Colby's life and the 2 days we had with Connor to him. If not for his monitoring I very well could have gone into labor very much sooner and the results could have been even more heartbreaking...

Anyways, I'm also hoping that my OB will write me a new referral for my doctor at the fertility clinic so we can get that whole process started again. The prospect of starting another fresh IVF is exhilarating and terrifying all at the same time.

I've been thinking about everything lately. My goal was to have 4-5 kids, but I'm not sure if that will be physically possible anymore. My delivery was an emergency C-section and though I had a horizontal incision outside, my uterus had a vertical incision making it too risky to try a VBAC, so c-section is the only way to go and I'm not sure that many doctors would okay another 3 or 4 c-sections. I guess we'll see what happens...

March of Dimes:

We're walking in the Boston March of Dimes in May with a 30+ member family team. Our team is one of the top MA teams as far as online fundraising is concerned. We'd still love more donations, so if you'd like, PLEASE click on the March of Dimes widget on the side! :)

Work!

I'm back at work and way too busy to even think! :) It's going quickly though and I've got Colby's smiling face waiting at home every afternoon!