Ugh High Risk

We had another high risk check on Friday. A few things before I go into it...

(1) babies are still looking fabulous

(2) I'm still checking out okay and

(3) we cannot wait until Tuesday when my OB is open again so we can start trying to find a new high risk doctor.

So, I went to the appointment alone because Johnny just switched positions in his company this week and taking time off already would have been a bit much. And Colby doesn't do well in the 1+ hour of Boston traffic on the way home (who can blame him?).

I was told 2 weeks ago that this week's check would be really quick- just a quick u/s to see the babies, a cervical check, and then I'd be out. No measurements or anything that would take awhile. So I was a bit surprised when I went in and the assistant (I'm not quite sure what she is) started doing a lonnnnnng ultrasound on the babies. Apparently Dr. R needed some more images of the hearts and stomachs and spines. I didn't mind the ultrasound (who doesn't like looking at wiggly babies!?!?) but it was loooonnnng and I cannot lay on my back for long without (1) excruciating pain in my hip or lower abdomen (I still have a HUGE right ovary because they never drained the follicles at the IVF and they've turned into cysts that are hanging around) or (2) feeling light headed and like I'm going to pass out. Both happened and I had to stop the ultrasound a few times. The assistant as well as the Resident and the Med Student (I've become a bit of a spectator sport at the high risk practice the last few times...) were all very nice about this.

This, of course, made the ultrasound take an extra loooong lonnng time. Which prompted Dr. R to come in and see what was happening. The assistant explained that the images were taking awhile to take because the babies were face to the back (or something) but that she could see all the parts necessary and that I wasn't feeling too hot, so she thought that the ultrasound should finish up. Dr. R sends the assistant to another room because there was another patient waiting (making me feel like it was my fault that it was taking so long) and then declares that she needs those images. And takes another 20 minutes to get them. Seriously trying not to pass out. I made her stop once and she wasn't happy.

Then she declares everything beautiful! And perfect! And wonderful!

And I've heard this before.

Then she proceeds to tell me she'll see me in a month. And of course I point out that I need the length check because that's why I'm here. And she just doesn't get it. "Why are we checking at 20 weeks? We don't usually do that..." But she relents and goes to get the probe from another room and I lay there and explain to the resident about the boys and preterm labor and preventing it and all that good stuff. Dr. R returns probe-less-- because it's in the room already and she's just a dunce apparently.

So, she starts trying to get the measurement and says "You don't have a stitch, do you?" Um... yes, yes I do. And then she can't find my cervix AGAIN. Seriously??!! By now I'm kind of annoyed and frustrated. And she locates the stitch which "Is kind of sideways... but that's okay." And I ask what that means and she says "Oh, it just means it moved a little, that's it." What???

So, she proceeds to kind of guess where the cervix begins and ends and the measurement is between 3.5cm and 2.5cm depending on where she takes it from. Of course I'm nervous because that's between .5 and 1.5 shorter than 2 weeks ago. "But that's normal."

So, she finishes up and says "So I'll see you in a month." But I've already got an appointment scheduled for 2 weeks, so she asks again "Why are we measuring you so often if you're normal?"

So, for her benefit, because I'm so sick of this I explain that

I was normal at 18 weeks last time

and at 23 weeks my cervix was down to less than 1cm

and I was on bedrest for a month

and my boys were born at 27 weeks

and one of my boys never made it home from the hospital.

So that is why I'm here.

It's certainly not because I like you.

So, she agreed to the appointment and I left completely defeated and overwhelmed. I called Johnny on the verge of tears. Because this high risk doctor, who is supposed to make me feel so safe is making me feel like "if I lose my babies, then I lose my babies". She has never asked how I was feeling. She doesn't even read my chart before I get there. Because wouldn't you think if you're working in a place for high risk pregnancies you would want to know what is going on?

Even the Dreaded Dr. C from last time did that. He knew who I was and what we were watching for. He just sucked at the end, Dr. R has blown from the beginning.

So I cannot stay there much longer.

I need someone proactive.

I need someone who understands why I'm there.

I need someone who understands where I've come from.

I need someone who wants my babies to live as much as I do.

Maybe lightning won't strike twice and maybe I don't have anything to worry about. But I'm not really willing to take that chance.