Updates badly needed!

Quick update...

Birth Control is over. Thankfully. I hate that stuff! :) It caused me to break out pretty badly... or maybe that's the Lupron?

Lupron is going well... 7 days in. I go for my supression check on the 30th and I'm so exited.

I love that things are moving along.

Today I had a mini panic attack that maybe things won't work. And this will be all for nothing.

I'm considering calling RSC to have a phone consult with my new doctor about:

(1) The fact that my right ovary is floating somewhere near my kidney and my uterus kind of moved due to the CSection/pregnancy. This can only make pregnancy harder, right?

(2) Maybe they'll let me put in 2 embryos? I know it's a gamble and I definitely DO NOT want to go through bed rest/13 week preemie twins/losing a baby/NICU for over 3 months again, but I also feel like I "know" what I did wrong last time. (I definitely DID NOT take it easy enough, and that's something I'll always regret.) But the idea that I'll end up not pregnant at all after this cycle makes me all panic-y. But then I feel all selfish because I know that's really just me putting my fear of failure before the overall safety. But maybe it's not? Plenty of people have full-term babies.

So I don't know...

So, yes, in short... I'm still alive.

Back to my paper?

Avoiding the needle...

1st dose of lupron is sitting next to me. I'm supposed to inject it in the next 18 minutes, but I'm not ready to start injecting myself! :) I wish Johnny were home-- I do so much better when he does the injections!

I'm also taking 50,000IU of Vitamin D 2x a week because apparently my Vitamin D is really low. A typical dose is 400IU over the counter. After I'm done with my month of 50,000IU I'll be on a 2,000IU a day dose. Am I not out in the sun enough?

IVF and Work

I am beyond exhausted lately. I think I might have finally taken on too much. Maybe?

I've always been the type to do a lot and have a lot on my plate. I usually get stressed when the perfect storm of everything-needing-to-be-done-at-once occurs, but it passes and then I move on and life is good.

BUT HOLY COW. That perfect storm? THE WHOLE ENTIRE SEMESTER. Every day I have something due. A paper or a discussion or a project or something. Add on the fact that the beginning of the school year ALWAYS requires a ridiculous amount of work (and lots of late days for meetings and Back to School Night and such). Oh and for some genius reason I decided to start a whole new literacy-plan concept that I read about this summer and have never done before. And the fact that Colby still wakes up about 4 times a night. AND the IVF because, kill me now, this birth control is royally messing with me. And enter pure, total exhaustion. Bed at 12, up at 5. Up usually 2 or 3 times in the middle there. Maybe 3 hours of sleep? When I'm lucky.

This week I've had a thought that I have never had before. Maybe I really have taken on too much. Maybe I really have reached my limit and then pushed it? For a brief moment I contemplated dropping a class. But I pushed through. 2 weeks down, 12 more to go... I can do it, right? Maybe.

Sooo IVF. This birth control SUCKS. Horribly. I've been nauseous and exhausted and I hate it. But I'm a week in and the end is in sight. I start Lupron the 20th. If I get the prescription because... to add to the stress, my RE whom I LOVE decided to quit. Flat out quit and not tell me. Seriously. I called my RE's nursing line about 3 weeks ago to get my blood work done so that I could start the provera and everything was fine. 2 weeks later I call the same line with Day 1 and I'm greeted with a lovely nurse who puts everything together. Then at the end she sweetly asks "You know that Dr. A. left the practice, right?" Ummm NO. The nurse goes on to tell me that my RE and ALL THE FEMALE DOCTORS IN THE PRACTICE decided to start their own practice.

So... either I can follow her and call this cycle a waste, OR I can continue with a new doctor in the same practice. So of course I decide to continue because I don't care if I'm cycling with a woman, a man, or a toad, I'm doing this IVF. (Because really, I started this process in May... though we have technically been trying since Colby at 6 weeks old.)

That's where we stand. I'm so ready to start injecting myself with hormones. :)

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But being back at school- so much worse this year. It's just been a series of small little issues that are overwhelming me in a way I know they shouldn't. (A product of the exhaustion and stress, I'm sure.)

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The first day of school there was comments in the teachers room about twins because a teacher's niece just announced she was expecting twins. And "Oh my God. Could you even imagine twins? How crazy would that be?!!"

Yes, it would be crazy. It would be even crazier if both my boys were alive.

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Or the fact that the day care person keeps talking about this little boy who used to go to day care there. His name? Connor J. of course. I don't know what the J stands for. But "I can't believe it! Colby looks just like Connor J. when he was little!" Even a 3 year old told me that Colby looks like Connor J.

The day care person has mentioned it every day. So finally today I just told her that it creeps me out because well, we had Connor J. And then I get "Oh wow. That's so strange! Can you believe it?"

No I can't, but just stop talking about it. PLEASE? It's already bad enough that I have to leave my baby ALL DAY. Don't make it worse.

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And some how there are 4 teachers with twins at the school. And it's so stressful to have twins. Keep them in the same class or different? The fights between each other. And on and on and on. AND SIGH.

And how I wish I had those issues.

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And I have a boy in my class: Connor John. (Connor's name and Colby's middle name... apparently we had good taste?) He is best friends with a little boy named Brett. I have to talk to the two of them a lot because they talk and talk and talk. But I have to catch myself. If I start with Brett's name I can say "Brett & Connor" no prob. But when I start with Connor? I have slipped and said "Connor & Colby!" about 5 times in 4 days.

And I wish I could actually be saying it to my Connor and Colby.

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And Colby cried for the first time when I dropped him off at Day Care today. I left my baby in a puddle of tears.

The worst EVER. But the smiles at the end? Great.

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So, you see? Stupid little things, but in my state... it's just a lot. I thought starting over in a new place would be good, but it's sadder. No, I'm not "the one who lost a baby" to them, but I'm also not "Connor & Colby's mom" to them. And I think that's worse.

It's been hard... I didn't expect it to be harder this time around. Being back at work for the 2nd (3rd really) time. But it's so much harder. I miss Connor so much more. Being in a new place, starting a new routine... just another step away from July 2009. It's so, so very hard. And really, the exhaustion just puts everything so much closer to the surface. So the acceptance I had gained. The perspective I had... it's not enough to make it okay any more. Or to make it even seem a little okay.

So, one step forward... a whole year back?

A few updates

Lots has been going on around here. But I've been too busy to even sleep, let along post...

Back to School

My 3 grad classes started on Sept. 1. They actually don't look too bad, but they look pretty boring. I'm taking Language Acquisition which I took in college as an undergrad. I'm also taking Assessment and Treatment of Reading Disabilities & Theory and Research in Reading. Did I already mention BORING? I'm working toward my M.Ed in Reading and Language... I guess I just didn't expect the classes to be so awful. Right now I'm licensed to teach PreK-2 and I didn't want to get a degree to teach 1-6 because I didn't want to get stuck with Grade 6, so I'm going so that I'll be a licensed Reading Specialist. I can't wait for it to be over, but it's looking to be a long ways off. At the end of this semester I'll have 18 of my 30 credits and then I'll take 6 more in the Spring. So... another year and a half?

Back to Work

Today was the 1st day back for teachers. (We start really late compared to almost everyone else!) It was loooong day. Colby's going to day care now 3 days a week. It's a family program with 3-5 kids depending on the day. He loved it today and was exhausted when I picked him up, but it was so much harder for me this time around. I think it's because now I know that he really knows me and depends on me and I felt like I was abandoning him. It was such an awful feeling. I rushed out of school the second I could to get him.

School itself is interesting. I mentioned before that I switched schools. Here's why...

- Last year at the C/G (where I was) we had 4 K classes and 3 1st Grade classes.

- The plan for this year was to move to 4 1st grades because of the K's moving up. And then to have 3 K's because the numbers changed. I was going to move to 1st because I was the least senior.

- Numbers for K dropped so they went down to 2 K's at the C/G and I lost my post as the future 1st grade teacher. Instead the second least senior K teacher was to move up to 1st.

- I got sent to the L/R for their open K class.

- All was fine all summer... la de dah.

- Last minute, K enrollment at the C/G jumped and they ended up adding the 3rd K back.

- K teacher forced to move up to 1st decides to move back down to K leaving the 1st grade open.

- I'm still at the L/R because they don't want to disrupt that school.

- They hire a new teacher for the 1st grade--- the position I completely wanted forever.

And sigh..

And to top it off they wouldn't release my furniture from the C/G so I was left with nothing at the L/R. They ended up finding me a few tables and just enough chairs, but I don't have my carpet. It sounds stupid (well maybe not to the other teachers out there) but I LOVE that carpet. Last year in the beginning of the year my carpet was destroyed when my roof leaked so I got to order a brand new carpet. Don't you know I got the best one I could- it was a giant calendar so it had individual rectangles for everyone to sit in and plenty of room to do work on the floor. Ahhh I loved it. But they confiscated it and won't let it leave the C/G. And my new principal won't buy me a new one. Instead I was told to "go get a carpet remnant for like $60." Yes... just what I want to spend money on.

Kids come Thursday.

Back to IVF

Well I've taken 2 birth control pills and I start Lupron on the 20th and then go in for blood and u/s on the 30th. Excited to be back in it, but a little overwhelmed. Not looking forward to the start of the needles again...

If you need pictures of Colby, visit www.365daysofcolby.blogspot.com . I totally stole the idea from Alyssa...