Thursday, February 25


Colby has been keeping me busy.  :)  He's full of energy.  Though he typically sleeps well and goes down well, the past few nights he has been waking for a 2am feeding and then fighting going back to sleep.  Two nights ago he fought from 2am to 5:30am and last night he fought from 2am to almost 4am.  By fight I mean, lay calmly awake while smiling at me every few minutes-- enough to break my heart at even the thought of leaving him.  :)  (Yes, I still only put him to sleep when he's fully asleep.  Any other way and I feel like I'm missing out.)

Anyways, lack of sleep aside, he's cute as can be and I'm still having a ball.  I have a little ticker in my head for going back to school and I'm trying to enjoy every last second that I can with my little smile-monster.

I still have moments where I look at him and cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be his mom. 

When the boys were born I was looking forward to having that overwhelming feeling of pure instant undeniable love of my babies.  The feeling you "see" on tv (like I said, I watched WAY too much A Baby Story) of look what we created and  I can't believe that's my baby.  

Honestly, in the beginning, I didn't really have those feelings-- at least not like I planned.  Instead I had overwhelming feelings of thank God they're alive and please, please, please keep them safe for me- I need them.  The feelings of overwhelming love quickly came, but I think one of my favorite feelings is the one of not believing that I am lucky enough to be the boys' mom.

Colby will be sitting in the high chair covered in cereal and I will be overcome with a feeling of pure awe. 

I will look at the photos of Connor on my dresser and the awe washes over me.

I stare at the artfully painted letters over Colby's crib and am so glad they are the letters of my son's name.

I watch as Colby peacefully drifts off to sleep at 4am and smile.

I remember the feeling of Connor and Colby fighting for space in my belly and all I feel is love.

I have two amazing, perfect, beautiful sons.  They light up my life on a daily basis in every way possible.

I am so very lucky.


Michele said...

We are lucky. Thank you for writing something so beautiful and touching...

Hoping for our own Peanut said...

Beautifully written. :)

There is nothing like a Mothers love for her son. I, too, am amazed by it each and every day.

Carrie said...

GORGEOUS. I feel the same way about my children, too. We are SO lucky.

And really, Connor and Colby are so very lucky to have you as their loving mommy. They never doubt your devotion.


Catherine W said...

I still only put J to sleep when she's fully asleep too. Glad I'm not the only one, a few people have told me off about it but I can't bear to put her down on her own. And yes, I'd certainly feel like I was missing out!

I feel lucky too. I also remember that feeling, looking at my two girls, wondering I could possibly be lucky enough to be their mother. xo

Shinejil said...

What a sweet post. And what great love it is, none greater.