Thursday, February 25
Colby has been keeping me busy. :) He's full of energy. Though he typically sleeps well and goes down well, the past few nights he has been waking for a 2am feeding and then fighting going back to sleep. Two nights ago he fought from 2am to 5:30am and last night he fought from 2am to almost 4am. By fight I mean, lay calmly awake while smiling at me every few minutes-- enough to break my heart at even the thought of leaving him. :) (Yes, I still only put him to sleep when he's fully asleep. Any other way and I feel like I'm missing out.)
Anyways, lack of sleep aside, he's cute as can be and I'm still having a ball. I have a little ticker in my head for going back to school and I'm trying to enjoy every last second that I can with my little smile-monster.
I still have moments where I look at him and cannot believe that I am lucky enough to be his mom.
When the boys were born I was looking forward to having that overwhelming feeling of pure instant undeniable love of my babies. The feeling you "see" on tv (like I said, I watched WAY too much A Baby Story) of look what we created and I can't believe that's my baby.
Honestly, in the beginning, I didn't really have those feelings-- at least not like I planned. Instead I had overwhelming feelings of thank God they're alive and please, please, please keep them safe for me- I need them. The feelings of overwhelming love quickly came, but I think one of my favorite feelings is the one of not believing that I am lucky enough to be the boys' mom.
Colby will be sitting in the high chair covered in cereal and I will be overcome with a feeling of pure awe.
I will look at the photos of Connor on my dresser and the awe washes over me.
I stare at the artfully painted letters over Colby's crib and am so glad they are the letters of my son's name.
I watch as Colby peacefully drifts off to sleep at 4am and smile.
I remember the feeling of Connor and Colby fighting for space in my belly and all I feel is love.
I have two amazing, perfect, beautiful sons. They light up my life on a daily basis in every way possible.
I am so very lucky.