Three years

Three years ago on this morning I sat in the NICU cradling Connor's body.

The only words I could think of were "This sucks".

Three years later, those words are still so true.



This sucks and it hurts.

Good mother

There are those funny e-card things going around Facebook.  Occasionally one makes me laugh.

Yesterday this one came floating across my home page.

No big deal.  Kind of funny.  And I shared it because I thought others would get a kick out of it.

Until I was smacked in the face with the fact that not all my kids are alive.

And it was just bad timing.

3 years ago

Three years ago.  Already.

It goes so fast.

Life is just full of busy

The kids are some awesome kids, I tell ya.  And they're busy.  I'm off for the summer, but still life is busy, busy.  I try to do something "special" with Colby every day- usually an art project or something creative, but since these projects usually involve paint or small objects they take up the girls nap time.  So in the end, the day is mine after he goes to bed around 8/8:30.  Well, it's mine after the bottles are done and the laundry is washed and dried (because I can't lie and say I ever fold it) and the dish washer is loaded.  You get the idea.   :)  And then I have the three (!!) family blogs to update (visit them!  JamersonTwins, 365DayofColby and 365DaysofSydneyandZoe).  And I'm addicted to TeachersPayTeachers because I'm determined to have an amazing year next year.   And then there are scopes and sequences and beginning of the year projects.  Oh, and the poor neglected hubby.  And True Blood.  Basically I'm at a point where I have pretty much zero time to update.

But things are good most of the time.  Syd's pretty much a "walker".  Zoe's not quite there, yet she took her first steps first.  They like to bite each other.  And they climb like monkeys.  Zoe has a temper and Syd is much more laid back {if she has her paci}.  Colby is full of spunk and is adorable and smart and loves to steal Syd's pacifier and just toss it across the room.  (We're working on that one.)

They were all in my brother's wedding a few weeks back.  It was such a great weekend filled with family, love, swimming... oh, and febrile seizure #2 just minutes before we were supposed to leave for the rehearsal.   But we all came out okay.  (Perhaps a little emotionally scarred because, if you haven't seen you child having a seizure, well, I hope you never have to.)

Colby pulled the girls in the wagon and did a great job despite being a bit under the weather.  (It went something like- fever, seizure, more fever and zero other symptoms.  Weird. And the girls caught the same fever over the past few days too- without a single other symptom.)

Colby was so proud of himself.  He actually stopped mid-aisle to bask in the clapping as he pulled the girls.  Then he spent the ceremony crying while Dada was holding him.  Johnny took him off to the side and turns out all he wanted was Mama.  Like I said, under the weather.

I love these two.  My new sister-in-law Steph and my older brother Chris.

We all danced the night away.  And Sydney spent much of the night in my mom's arms with my mom and dad.  Can you tell I forgot the diaper cover for the diaper?  :)

The next week brought my 28th birthday (28 on the 28th!).  Then we spent last weekend in New Hampshire.  Friday we were at the lake.  Colby fished, we all swam, and we enjoyed a wonderful day with family.  {Though the night brought 3 very overtired kiddos who didn't want to sleep from 1-3:30am and screamed and cried that whole time.)

Johnny's cousin's daughter.  So good with the girls and Colby.  

I was in love...

Saturday evening and Sunday we were at Santa's Village, also in NH.

  

This week brought the 4th.  Reality tells me it will be a long time before I get a picture of the 3 of them where they are all happy and all looking.  But I try nonetheless.  

I only say things are great most of the time because- well, you know.  Colby is three in less than 2 weeks and three years is hard.  Just like every other day of life. It's just so long, so far, yet the memories are still burned in my brain.  I mentioned shortly after we lost Connor that it was a nightmare and that I'd have flashbacks to the room and the beeping and just everything.  And it's still there sometimes. 

I read about others who have lost like we have and, at least in their writing, they seem so strong.  And I'm not there and, really, I don't know if I ever will be.  I contemplate going to see a counselor or just someone one the outside to just hash out the past few years, but I haven't brought myself there yet.

Until then... I have this to get me through the day to day...