Quick Recap

• The 1.5 months has included... 
• a virus for all 5 of us that lasted between 1 week (Johnny) and 1 month (Colby).  It was brutal and sleep was sorely lacking for all of us -- me mostly because the girls and Colby would.not.sleep.
• the virus was beginning to turn into pneumonia for Zoe, so she went on antibiotics
• pink eye for the 3 kiddos
• a stomach bug for 4 of us (Sydney has an iron stomach apparently)
• my mom in the hospital 2x for super-low potassium.  It's a problem that has just sort of recently began and it has been a tough few months since it began.  This last stint (5 days in the ICU) seemed to bring a little clarity to the issue though, so she's finally feeling a lot better.  
• grad class that has left me clueless because I just don't get the class.  
• my principal telling me that I have to be more "social" with the staff at school.  Because I don't go to parties and I don't eat lunch in the staff room.  But he forgets that I live 45+ minutes away, I have 3 kiddos 2 and under, and I am taking grad classes.  Oh and that I pump for my entire 50 minute lunch period. 
• weaning on the pumping.  But I don't think I'm going to be pump-free come Texas on Saturday.  I've got it down to 4(ish) times a day.  The pump is only free until March 25th, so I need to be pump-free by then.

Guilt

So, I've been back at work 1+ month.  Colby's a mess about it.  The girls don't really care as long as they eat.  But we should be been quarantined by the CDC because we've had so much sickness run through here in the last 1.5 months it's just ridiculous.  The latest was a nasty stomach bug that hit me on Sunday, then Johnny, then Colby and Zoe in a 5 hour period.  It lasted much longer than that though- I got off the luckiest and was fine by Monday afternoon.  Johnny and the kids are still struggling to get back to normal.  

But when I was sick?  It was brutal.  Not the throwing up part -- really, being pregnant gets you used to that.  Instead it was the total achiness/tiredness/just blah that was tough.  Because of it I had a stretch of 8 or so hours Sunday into Monday without pumping.  I just couldn't convince myself to get out of bed -- everyone was finally sleeping and Johnny's mom was helping with the sick kids anyways so I was enjoying the rest.  Then Monday I went back to normal (normal being 9-10 times a day when home all day, pumping every 2-3 hours).  Then we watched the documentary American Teacher (watch it!) and there was a new mom-teacher who was pumping and then at the end of the movie she was finished pumping and she said something like "My whole life got a whole lot easier when I was done pumping."  Or something like that.

Then Monday night I was laying in bed unable to sleep and I kept fantasizing thinking about stopping pumping.  I wouldn't have to spend my entire 50 minute lunch period sitting at my desk pumping; I could get work done and maybe some day catch up.  I wouldn't have to wake up 2 times a night (at midnight and 3am) and get up at 5am to pump to pump for 30 minutes at a time; I could sleep a little more.  I wouldn't have to spend 30 minutes every 2 hours hooked up while the girls attach the tubes; I could lay on the ground playing with them.  I wouldn't have to lug my pump to Texas in a few weeks when Colby and I travel.   It all seemed so great.  I went to sleep convinced that I was done.

The next morning I wasn't so sure.  I started to feel guilty and a bit selfish.  The girls are just over 3 months away from 1 year.  Why couldn't I last until then?  What if I ran out of the frozen stash too soon?  Why make us spend $30 a week on formula?  Why couldn't I be super mom?

Now you know I formula fed Colby, so it's not that I'm against formula. But I CAN pump.  I CAN produce the milk.  I CAN feed them.  I couldn't do the same for Colby.  So guilt is huge this time around.  With Colby?   I was fine.  

So now I'm still stuck in limbo.  Right now I'm letting myself sleep through the night (or at least from waking to waking -- the girls are still up about 2-3 times each during the night) from 11-5:30.  But it saves me about 1-1.5 hours of sleep that I would usually have spent pumping.  I pump around 10:30pm then not again until around 6:30am.  Then again around 12:30pm, 3pm, 5pm, 7pm, 9pm, and back to 10:30pm.  So really, I've cut down and now pump about 7 times (sometimes less).

I'm still dreaming of it being over, but like I said -- GUILT.  Or really, more than guilt, I think it's just the pressure I've put on myself to be "Super Mom".  Super Mom would be able to work, take classes, take care of 3 kids, get zero sleep, cloth diaper, make all her own baby food (I still find this fun, though), master a March of Dimes team, and still pump every 2 hours.  I'm kind of disappointing myself that I can't (or, really, that I can but am willing to step away for my own comfort).

So that's where I am with that.  I have to decide where I am fully going (trying to up the number of pumps again to get back to where I was and full supply or letting it dwindle off) before Colby and I leave for Texas on the 19th!