Update... because that's all the time I have lately!

Just a super quick update while pumping...

• The girls were 4 months on Sunday.  I can't believe how fast this is all going.  The both roll over front to back & Zoe is so close to back to front that it's crazy.
• They're in the midst of teething... drooling, chomping on fists, fussiness... you get it.  I'm not ready for that!
• We still wake at night... typically they're asleep by 8 pm or so, then they wake around 11, then again around 3, then 5, then 7.  I dread the 5am wake up because by the time they nurse & I pump it's usually so close to them waking again for the day.  I'm still tired, but the key is doing things during the day.  If I sit on the couch or allow myself to lay down for even a second, it's all over.  But if I'm playing trains or we're playing out back or we go for a walk then I'm fine.  I just crash later.  :)
• Nursing is still a struggle... Sydney definitely prefers the bottle.  I guess I'm not surprised because of their NICU stay & then my lack of nursing in favor of pumping in the beginning.  She'll nurse pretty well when tired, but otherwise it's a bit of a fight.  I persevere so she always gets most of her feed from nursing but there has to be a bottle or 2 during the day to really fill her up.  Zoe does really well nursing & can take a full feed.  I'm still pumping every 2-3 hours all day every day.  It's easier to pump more now than it was in the beginning because we have a good routine now.  I'm freezing about 10-20oz every day so our deep freezer is almost overflowing already.  I'm just so happy that with nursing & pumping I'm meeting their needs 100%+.  Because formula is expensive & these girls can be PIGS.
• They still use the shields and I'm not sure we'll ever get to give those up.  I do try, but not nearly as much as I should simply because sometimes struggling with Sydney is all the drama anyone can take.  She hates me enough for making her nurse... I can't even imagine the struggle it would be to make her try to make it harder.  Maybe one day.  :)
• Colby had a great time in California with Johnny and tells me on a daily basis that he's "go fly pane marrow" (going on a plane tomorrow).

Well, it's 3 & I started this whole song and dance of nursing & pumping at 1:25, so I'm off to try to catch some zzzz's.  

Creativity Help?

Okay, so I'm pretty technologically impaired.

How do I save font colors on my header?  Or even change the font besides the boring ones offered?  Or even make a more interesting header?

Mama Mooo

This is what you get when you pump every 2 hours all day in addition to nursing.

We had to buy a new deep freezer just for all of the milk.

So far there is about 500 oz in there.

But then again when you think about it... that's not really that much when they each drink > 25oz a day.

It's a dry-erase freezer.

Johnny decorated it.

Love

It's no secret that Johnny drives me absolutely crazy much of the time.  Sometimes to the point that I wonder what exactly drew us to one another in the beginning.

When I'm exhausted and in the middle of doing my 57th chore of the night & he's lounging on the couch watching reruns of the Sopranos I want to scream.  And kick his butt.  When I come down from putting Colby to bed (an ordeal that can last an hour sometimes after bath & stories) and he's sitting on the computer playing with ESPN.com and there is a sink of bottles to be washed I want to kick his butt. When the girls are ready to eat their last feed of the night and he's begging to go to bed instead of helpinh I want to kick his butt.  I think you get the idea.

So, as a result we bicker & tease a bit.  Sometimes we take it well.  Other times, when I'm exhausted and overwhelmed and just need a hand but don't think I should have to ask... well, then it turns into a fight usually.  And I'm a bad fighter because I drag in stupid old annoyances that aren't even related to the issue at hand.  I stomp off.  I refuse to admit I'm wrong.  I'm stubborn.

And sometimes my mind wanders and I find myself convincing my mind that I could totally handle everything on my own.  That I could skip town with the kids and be totally fine because he doesn't help much.  And I've let those thoughts eat away at me & build up.  Until the point that I have felt like I am perfect & he's just.. not.

But perspective comes from some strange places sometimes.

I was watching Downsized on WE tv the other day.  Incase you've never heard of it, it's a reality tv show and the premise involves a blended family with 7 kids which was hit hard during the recession.  They had to face foreclosure and bankruptcy and bad choices in general.  The show follows their efforts to get back on their feet.

Anyways, in a recent episode the parents were arguing about some issue or another & the younger 10 year old daughter confided that she was nervous about her mom & step dad getting a divorce.  So the little girl was asking her mom about her relationship with her biological dad and why they got divorced and why the new marriage was different and so on and so forth.

And the mom answered simply that things were different because she never once questioned if Todd (husband #2) loved her.  She just knew that he did unconditionally.

And this got me thinking about me & Johnny.  Looking past the nights where he doesn't come to bed because he's watching football.  And past the unwashed bottles and unlaundered bottles.  Past the lazy nights on the couch & three fantasy football teams.  Past the annoyances that have plagued me over the past 5 years.

And I realized that I have it good.  Because when I take stock... when I really step back and think... there is not an ounce in my body that questions if Johnny loves me.  Because I know that, for some stupid reason, he does 100%.  And that's something I've never doubted nor have ever had to doubt.  I don't always get it because I KNOW I can be a pain & stubborn & hold ridiculously high standards.

I might have to spell it out for him & ask for exactly what I need, but he would do absolutely anything for me & I know that. I could ask him to wash all the bottles every night and he would.  I could ask him to do all the laundry & he would.  I realize it's just not something that he might think of on his own.  And I've always resented that, but it doesn't matter.

I'm pretty lucky.

And with that in mind, the past few days I've been trying to be better for him.  The bottles are still unwashed and he's still watching tv (though he finished the Soprano reruns this weekend), but in the end, it doesn't matter.  Because I know that he's there for me unconditionally & forever.

Because I've never questioned that he loves me.

Just that he knows how to wash a bottle...

Still alive & questions

Three months of these little beauties.  

Just typing that makes my heart flutter a little bit.

Three months- a quarter of a year.  They're getting so big- both girls are a little over 10 pounds.  They're in 0-3 clothes, but like their brother they're long & lean.  They need the length, but pants and skirts fall off their waist.  That's fine though because we rarely have time in the day to get out of a onesie.  :)

They have such different & distinct personalities.  

Sydney's still our drama queen.  Everything is a HUGE deal and MUST be attended to immediately.  She has to be pinned down to nurse or drink from a bottle or else she flails like a fish out of water.  It usually takes at least 5 tries & the help of a pacifier to get her to latch on.  It's frustrating, but I'm trying to stick with it.  :)  She eats less than her sister but is somehow just a tad bigger.  She takes eating in stride and won't take more than an ounce or so without needing a break.  She sleeps more than Zoe, but when she's awake she's just as alert and nosey.  She rolled over for the first time the other day, quite gracefully I might add.  Colby used to smash his oversized head on the floor, but Syd took it all in stride.  She's a huge smiler and is so close to laughing.  She loves the Moby but isn't to sure of the Bjorn yet.  She can only sleep & settle if she's swaddled lately- and let's you know that she's tired by screaming.

Zoe's more laid back & cries much less.  Diapers bring a whimper and hunger elicits a cry that can be soothed while she's waiting.  As a result this poor girl comes in second quite a bit.  Sometimes I do her first because I feel badly that she's always second, but then I realize that she probably doesn't care.  She's always awake, often just staring happily at the world.  You can tell she's tired when she gets fussy and when her left eyelid gets red.  Colby was the exact same way.  Despite being a little reflux-y, Zoe consumes her meals in record time without pause.  She hasn't rolled over yet, but her head is keeping her down.  She's working on lifting its contents but it's hard when it's so large.  She's always smiling and cooing.  She's only now starting to like the Moby, but only when she can have her legs sticking out.  She can sleep just as well swaddled as she can completely sprawled out.  

And Colby continues to be the best big brother.  He's learning so much lately it's mind boggling.  He knows most of his colors but often calls orange yellow and purple pink.  He knows basic shapes and some of the letters in his name- as well as a few random ones.  He loves to cook with me.  He's a total clown and loves to fake fall to get a laugh.  He learned how to open the front door to let himself out.  (uh oh!)  He loves to jump in puddles and play with the "kids" around the complex.  He loves trains, trucks, cars, wheels... he's a total boy.  He loves his sisters and gives them hugs and kisses all the time.  he loves when the girls do tummy time & will grab the basket of baby toys and dump it out so he can show the girls the toys.  He's still a bit picky, but recently began eating small amounts of chicken. He ate a scallop at my mom's birthday dinner.  Veggies are still pretty non-existant despite how much he loved them back in the day, but fruit is still a 100% hit, so I'm thankful for that.  He loves his mama like no one else.  He's just incredible.

As soon as Colby was 6 weeks old I was ready to try for baby #3.  I'm not there yet this time.  :)  I'm loving every single second with these girls, but I often feel so guilty that they're not getting the quality time that Colby got- or that Colby's not getting the time like he used to.  So I'm enjoying spending as much time cuddling and kissing these little ones- all three of them.  I know I'll be back on the baby train soon, but for now I'm content waiting.  And so is Johnny... the other day I wasn't feeling well.  He went upstairs to take a shower and I took my temp and realized I was running a fever- which explained why I wasn't feeling so hot.  When he came down I said "I know why I'm not feeling well."  and he immediately got a TERRIFIED look on his face and said "You're pregnant!"  It was quite funny... :)

Somehow I'm still dropping weight... kind of at an alarming pace.  It's weird, I still have the pizza dough-y belly that I'm sure I'll never lose (or at least not for a long time), but my clothes are literally falling off of me & every day I step on the scale it's down by another bit.  At first I thought it was the scale that was wrong, but Colby's weight is staying constant, so I'm guessing it's right.  I'm not really complaining... but it's just weird.  The same thing did NOT happen when I had the boys...but I also had time to eat much crappier and to generally be sluggish before Colby came home.  Now... the only time I get to myself is during my late night pumping sessions.  Every other minute of the day is consumed by babies, pumping, cooking, playing, laundry, dishes, bottles... you get the gist.  

Oh well, if you read this far, congrats.  :)  A few other people are opening themselves up for questions, so, if anyone still reads this (I know, I've gotten REALLY boring lately!  And bad at commenting...) and has any questions about anything, ask away.  :)