Deep breath

I bit the bullet and finally called my mom to see if (1) she wanted to know about what was going on and wasn't asking because she didn't want to intrude or (2) she didn't want to know. So-yay- I found out the answer is number 1. I gave her a rundown of the past 2 years. A rundown of the treatments. A rundown of the meds. All that good stuff. So it's nice to have the lines open. I'll see her this weekend for my brother's birthday, so we'll see if she mentions it.

Johnny's taking me away for the weekend. :) Not far... but to a neat/modern hotel in Lexington. It's kind of a busy weekend for it, but it will be fun to be away. We're heading there after school tomorrow and then coming back home on Sunday. In between, Sat I have a class at the aquarium from 9-11 and then we have to head down to see my family. Then Sunday AM we have a dr. appointment at 7am. (I was stupid when I scheduled it... at the time I didn't know that the 5th was a Sunday.) I'm a little nervous about how the timing will work out. We have the check up Sunday, so if things look A-okay we will have the IUI on Tuesday. My class is going to the fire station for fire safety week in the AM. So if the IUI is Tuesday it will make this difficult. And if it's not Tuesday but instead pushed til Thursday Johnny will have a hard time because he is covering one of the stores in his company because of some sort of trip or something pulling all the guys out.

So, as always, we'll wait and see! :)

Cycle 4 Begins

Technically I guess it began 3 days ago, but oh well. :)

Blood and u/s were fine. I have 11 follicles on both my left and my right sides. So I take 150mg of Clomid for the next five nights. Then my first day of monitoring is July 31st in the AM (Thursday). SO I'm thinking I will end up letting my parents know what is going on this weekend so when we sneak away over the weekend (which I'm sure we'll have to) they won't be offended.

:)

Hmm

Since September I've been struggling with the question of whether or not I should share this little "adventure" with my family (calling it an adventure makes it seem more exciting and less sad/frustrating...). Like I've said before, part of me wants to so that I have that support system, but part of me doesn't want to because I want the future pregnancy (there WILL be one...) to be a surprise to the grandparents-to-be. I also don't want to feel like I'm telling my family for pity or attention. Obviously they can't really DO anything, so that's not a logical reason for telling. (As Johnny says, what good is it going to do to tell them?) And really, although I consider myself very close to my mom and dad, I've never been very good at talking to them about very personal things. ALSO, I guess there is part of me that thinks they will think we're too young/not established enough to start a family (we don't have a house and I still need to start and finish grad. school). And I don't want to feel like I have to defend our decision.

Reading that I realized that I put a lot more CONS for telling them than I did PROS. Maybe I'm just trying to talk myself out of it. I just need some advice...

Why have you told if you have? And why haven't you told if you haven't?

And... exhale

So... I finally bit the bullet and talked to my principal today to give her the heads up of what is going on.  I've found that I've had a lot more appointments lately... and lots of times they can't give me the 6:30am slot which sometimes makes it difficult to get to school on time (especially when the slot I'm given is like 7:30 or 8am).  So... I finally walked in and blurted it all out.  I was physically shaking and literally had to force myself to go into her office (I actually turned to leave before I forced myself in).  

I went in and closed the door-- which I NEVER do... and which may have been her first indication that something important was going on.  And I actually prefaced the convo with "I've been dreading this conversation."  I think she thought I was going to quit or something.  So then I blurted it out.  I had it so eloquently worded in my head (I've been avoiding this conversation since September, so I've had lots of planning time).  I never actually SAID what it was that was going on.  Meaning I never said "infertility" or "baby".  Instead I just said, "I'm actually going through the same thing as _________ (the other teacher who was at the school)."  She immediately knew what I meant (I knew that the other teacher had confided in her) and she took it fine.  I was just so nervous for some reason.  I explained that I wanted to clear the air because of all the ongoing appointments and such.  She said she'd do her best to cover for me... keep it discrete and help where she could.  She was also worried about me-- she wanted to make sure I was okay.  It went well.  So... huge weight lifted. 

Walking out I felt weak.  I'm not sure entirely why.  But it was a HUGE deal for me to tell her.  I couldn't quite pinpoint why, but now I think I've got an idea.  Telling a friend or a coworker off-hand doesn't seem very serious.  Instead I think I felt like by telling people in the past I was just being kind of casual about it.  I never really let my emotions show... I didn't show how much it bothered me or really that I was very worried about it.  (If that makes sense.)   Also, the very few people I have told (with the exception of the other person going through the same situation) none have shown much interest or concern.  They want to know the details and the updates, but they don't ever ask how I'M doing or how I'm FEELING.  So I've felt kind of like a science experiment gone wrong.  

 But, by telling Becky, someone higher up, and by telling her due to the work implications... it was like it was real.  It was serious.  It wasn't something I could be casual about. Also, like I mentioned, she was concerned about me.  She wanted me to talk to her anytime.  She wanted to make sure I felt like I could confide in her.  So it was a nice feeling.  

I'm not quite sure if this makes sense, but it did feel good to tell her.  I don't have to hide and be vague about early AM dr. appointments or leaving in the PM for consultations.  I can be honest.  :)

Losing Touch

Maybe it's normal... or at least, not abnormal.  But more and more I feel like I'm losing touch with my friends.  I married right after college... I graduated in May, and married in August at 22.  Then, 5 months later we decided to try for a family.  I work full-time following my dreams, teaching my students, and making my way through this awesome, confusing thing called life.  

When I graduated high school and college I had a good mix of friends.  A few I really felt like I could go to for anything... who would be there no matter what.  Who would care about what was going on.  But really, I feel like I've left them behind... or at the very least, we have chosen two very different paths in life... and we've grown very far apart because of it.  A few of my friends are on the way to getting married, but most are dating, living life on their own, and experience the crazy post-undergrad years and taking it all in.  And that difference in our lives has become so apparent.  I rarely talk to most of my friends... even when I tell them I really need to talk... I don't get much back.  Even my "best" friend... the maid of honor at my wedding... nothing.  Now, I don't know what I would say... I need a shoulder to lean on and sometimes I reach out to try to find the right shoulder (the few I have are great... but I hate burdening any one person with all of my problems...) but I don't know how much or what I would say.  But I feel more and more that we're falling apart to a point that nothing would fix it.  

So I'm left to rely on the very few friends I have.  My friend from school has been amazing.  

And once again, I find myself revisiting the notion of telling my mom.  I don't know how I would do it... but she's really my best friend (besides the DH of course)... and just having someone to talk to when things don't work out would be great.  But then again I'm left with the thought... maybe I should just wait until the end of this cycle.  Who knows?  It may work out perfectly.  Then it will be a non-issue (at least until we try for baby #2).   But then... I know I would think the same thing in the middle of the next cycle... maybe I should just wait... it might work.  And I can play that game until the day it does work.

Lastly, I'm left to think of the whirlwind that we've been living.  When we got married I had a thought that things might not work out easily.  But as I have said before... we were naive and so optimistic early on.  (Which leads me to think that I am SO happy that we started early instead of just waiting...)  But here we are... 16 months later.  With nothing concrete to show for it... except for this amazing bond that binds us.  One thing I think for sure with everyone going through fertility treatments to make their dreams of a family a reality is that they must REALLY want kids.  They will be the most amazing parents because they know, not only the sacrifice it takes to raise a kid but the sacrifice (the early AM appointments, the countless needles, spreading your legs weekly for strangers, the fear, the hope, the uncertainty, the heartbreak...) it takes to just HAVE a kid.  And I've always believed and been taught to believe that you appreciate those things that you have to work for.

And work for it I will... :)

Vacation leaves me too much time to think and type.  :) 

Thoughts of wasted time

I promised myself a few days ago that I wouldn't waste my vacation.  I've been so stressed at school... so much going on and so much on my mind.  I just needed the break... of course I would do school work, but I needed the break.  Most of all... I would not waste the beginning of vacation waiting for the tests on Wednesday.  Last vacation I wasted all my time just WAITING for the pregnancy test on Wednesday.  This time I am just waiting to see if the Clomid worked, but I still feel like I'm just WAITING.  It's Tuesday and I am sitting in my PJs, watching bad TV on TLC (like those darn baby shows I said I shouldn't watch...), and just surfing the millions of Infertility Blogs online.  

The funny thing is... reading these blogs... of the people who have been trying for YEARS... has given me a lot of hope.  The best part is that on lots of these blogs there are multiple lists of links.  

One list is usually of those people going through the same thing.  They're all at different stages and ages, but they're going through the blood tests and the ultrasounds and the weekly (or biweekly... or four times weekly as the case may be...) appointments and they're making it through.  The best part for me is to see and read the anger.  Because I have tired to stay so positive... I am young (yes, I know... they've told me that before) and I have hope, but at the same time, sometimes I just want to punch a wall, I want to try, I want to whine... because it isn't fair.  

The second list is usually of people who have survived infertility.  They've gone through the work, the stress, the tests, the heartbreak (because it really is heartbreak every time, isn't it??).  They have babies or they are pregnant.  It's so great because it really shows the light at the end of the tunnel.  And that's what I need.

And this brings me to something else.  Most of these people I've seen have been going through this since 2004, 2005... or sooner.  A long time.  They've survived unthinkable heartbreak and hurt.  I feel like I don't have a place to say I'm having "fertility problems"...  I don't have a place to whine because I am so young and I have only been dealing with this for 16 months.  

So I guess I'm still at a loss... I still feel like I'm floating alone.  With the help of the best hubby... who unfortunately doesn't understand the hurt I feel on a daily basis.  (I love him to death-- but he doesn't usually get feeling upset or sad... life is too short in his eyes... which is a great view and stance, but sometimes it's easier said than done...)  I have days where I am so incredibly sad, where I break down easily (usually resulting in crying fits) ... days where all I can think is "It's not fair..." but other days I'm okay.  Right now I'm okay.  We'll see... tomorrow's a different day.

Lending an ear

I spent the evening last night having dinner with my other struggling teacher friend.  I love hanging out with her and getting a chance to talk to her.  She's one of the sweetest, most even-tempered people I know.  And, really, she's the only person who really knows what I'm going through.  She's so supportive that it's great to get to talk to her.

As always our discussions moved toward my health... and at this point in time I don't really see this infertility as a health issue.  I can't really explain how I view this.  But to me it's kind of like a bump in the road... it WILL happen... it has to.  But as usual, I had to say that things are up in the air and confusing as always.  I feel like I'm just floating in a river literally going where the current takes me.  So I just wait.

She on the other hand.  She's done with the 1 hour commute, the stress of the fabulous Clapp School... the kids, the teachers, the parents... everything.  She loves her new job... she's taking everything in and she just is SO HAPPY.  Because of the loss of her IVF and the past few years of stress she and her husband are taking some time off from the stress of trying.  Time to relax and let themselves heal.  So, she's doing well... in August if she has found a new job.... she said she may start trying again.  I hope for her that it works out sooner than later.  She did say that she ovulated for the first time on her own in a very long time.  Turns out that the stress was contributing a lot to the situation.  I hope for her that it works out soon.  She deserves it and she's so amazing.

How is it fair that trying has become stressful for some people??  

The most stress for me comes from my job I think... I teach the best bunch of 5 and 6 year olds.  I love them to death, but 1/2 the parents drive me crazy... and they just lack obvious "good" parenting skills.  So why can they have children?  Yet I can't??

Wednesday is another doctors appointment.  Lets hope those eggs are exploding!  :)

Tomorrow

Tomorrow's the big day!  I feel like I've said that same type of thing 16 times!  

I'm going tomorrow for blood work and u/s.  I started bleeding on my own on Saturday- exactly 2 weeks after last going to the drs.  It's annoying because that means I did ovulate ON MY OWN... and that we missed again.  Or maybe... Honestly, I was in SO much pain yesterday.  Exactly like last time... severe pain, shooting down my right leg and on my right side.   So part of me wonders if maybe the same thing didn't happen again... the chemical pregnancy.  I hope not because I want to start my next cycle of clo.mid tomorrow!  

I'm going to tell Becky at school tomorrow.  My dr appointment is at 8am, so I have to be late tomorrow.  It's not a big deal, but I'd just feel better if I clear the air so she can understand if I have to be late other times too.  So, that's the plan.  Wish me luck for tomorrow am!

To tell or not to tell

I haven't really talked to anyone going through fertility issues, so I don't know how other people deal with them.  I have talked to another teacher at my school a tiny bit- she's going through the same thing, but she's s bit further ahead of it that me.  (She's as far as one failed round of IVF)  But I haven't really talked to her.  And so I'm left with my question: To Tell or not to Tell.  

Some days I have such a strong desire to keep everything quiet.  From the beginning that was our resolution- keep is quiet so that we don't become the pitied ones.  I don't want every first question when we visit people to be, "So, how's the baby making coming along?"  We already get plenty of well-meaning awkward questions from Johnny's family- I don't need any more probing questions.  They're open enough to ask me ANYTHING and EVERYTHING, so I wouldn't want the chance of questions coming up.  Also, I want it to be a surprise to everyone.  Right now we're keeping the, "We'll see when we'll have a baby." vibe.  We're trying not to let people in.  

BUT... there's the other part of me.  The part of me that wants to let people in.  Because sometimes I feel like this is our own personal shame.  I try not to let it bother me, but isn't it kind of "shameful" (I hate that word...) if you have to hide it from people?  But really, I feel like it's so exciting.  Everything that is going on is really kind of neat.  Science is neat and everything that is happening is neat.  I want to be able to share that with people who really care and who are really interested.  So I really want to share this with someone... not everyone, but someone who really cares.  I kind of want to tell my mom... but I haven't.

Also... I want to share this with someone because, no matter how much I love Johnny and how well-meaning he is... he just can't seem to grasp by this whole thing bothers me so much.  Why I get upset every time we have a set back.  Why I get emotional when they call and say we'll have to wait another month.  Why I get a little sad when I see a baby or jealous when I hear that another friend is pregnant (usually unintentionally... happily, but unintentionally).  He can't seem to get it... so some times I feel like I need someone else there to lean on.  But I go back and forth between the two extremes so much that instead I don't share it with anyone... and I don't know if I want to or not...

So, I wonder, do the majority of people share their journey with those close to them?  Or do they keep it to themselves?