Sitting, waiting, wishing...

Not much new to update. I'm nursing a very painful sunburn from field day yesterday. Woops on that one. My kids were crazy at field day yesterday. It was one of those days I wanted to pull my hair out! We usually stick to a pretty strict schedule during the day, so when we're not on that schedule... watch out! :) Today was another crazy day. They were having such a hard time listening to directions. Oh well, 4 more days with the little dears. :) Heehee... I still have to find out what I'm doing for the summer!

Yesterday was 13 days (or 12?) post the trigger. I had started to feel "weird" again, so I was starting to get a little optimistic (does that ever wear off?). In the AM I felt SO weird... I had a splitting headache, I felt sick, and I was very dizzy. Like I hadn't ever felt before. It went away eventually. As soon as I got home I told Johnny and he immediately started saying "That's it. You're pregnant." I wasn't willing to be so sure. I was trying to explain that it's easier for me to think it's going to be negative rather than get my hopes up. He kind of got annoyed at my pessimism. Oh well...

He made me take a HPT last night. After the anxious wait (I wouldn't let him look at it and I wouldn't look at it either) it was negative. One stinkin' line. Oh well. I'm going to test again on Sunday (the day before my Beta). Maybe yesterday was too soon. (See, that optimism is there... I just try not to show it too much lest people see me upset!)

We're switching to my insurance on July 1st. Kind of throws a monkey-wrench into our next cycle plans. We can't run the present insurance for an IUI when we'll be switching. So we were told we'd have to wait til my new insurance begins to get the approval. But then we were thinking... what is stopping us from just keeping Johnny's insurance for an extra month- like until August-- so that the IUI can be billed to his insurance and we don't have to wait or worry about the change in coverage? Does anyone know? Can you have two insurances running simultaneously? I'm thinking yes because they'll be more than happy to take our money (we'd we paying for 2 insurances at one time), but I don't want to risk anything. I also don't want to wait a month... which would probably turn into September because of the things that we have going on this summer. We'll be out of town a bit.

Ahh welll... the eternal wait. Wish me luck on Monday! :)Wa

Tell me if this is normal...

My beta is on June 16th. Naturally I wasn't expecting to hear from the good ole docs until after the beta. However, they called me today. I should remind you that I love my RE and all of the nurses that work there. They are the nicest people in the entire world and it's clear that they genuinely want this to work...

Anyways, they called me to update my file. To file the paperwork for next cycle. Yes... I'm 13 days away from the cycle 3 beta and they're planning cycle number 4. A little weird, but maybe it isn't. I'm still new at this. And I appreciate it because it means that they're thinking of me and my "case" even when I'm not there. So, the decision has been passed down from my RE to add IUI to my cycle next time (if there is a next time). (Though, my RE told me back in the day that she didn't think IUI would be helpful with my "case", but I guess times have changed...) So I agreed and that's where we are with that. I also called to schedule an appointment with my RE after this cycle to discuss where we are and where we are going (if that is necessary). So, as always, it feels good to be making progress and head ways. I didn't really do anything, but I kind of feel like I have. :)

I've learned that my contentment with this whole thing varies greatly day to day and week to week. Right now I'm feeling pretty good and confident that we're doing the absolute right thing.

Oh, and my birthday is 12 days after my beta.. so I'm optimistic for the best birthday gift ever.

Finally!

Okay, so I was wrong! Luckily I didn't bet any money on having already ovulated. Today I went in for blood (surprise, surprise) and my LH had surged to 50.something. Yay! So tonight is the trigger and then we shall see... June 16th is the next BIG day. I'm excited and the 16th is a good day because it's the Pond Walk at school. I will be too busy to be waiting by the phone and checking it every minute. :) So yay.

Unrelated to pregnancy...
We went to the zoo today with the kidlets. They were really good for the most part... had a little bit of a hard time staying with the group, but it was good. My "challenging" child (which is a MASSIVE understatement) was HORRIBLE though. Absolutely AWFUL. In the course of the day she managed to run off, throw dirt, push over several small children, throw her sandwich at a chaperone, shove a small child off of a slide... etc. etc. It was a rough day. And she said NO to me! I know it sounds like a minor thing, but my students NEVER say no. They know it's not okay, unacceptable, etc. etc. She is missing recess on Monday... and perhaps for several days after. Haha... take that! :) And that's my zoo story!

Fourth time is the charm...?

I sure hope so!

On Tuesday when my follicle was at 18mm I was sure they would trigger me. But they didn't because of my lining. So Wednesday, with my lining at almost 8mm, I was sure they would trigger me. But they didn't because my hormone levels weren't right. So, today (Thursday) I was sure I'd get a call to trigger me. But NO. I got a call saying I could either do a Ovulation Predictor Kit or go in Friday for blood work. Apparently my LH is only at 11.something. Not good enough. However, I feel very strongly that I already ovulated and that they missed it. And I told them that when I called them back. So instead of the predictor kit, I'm going in tomorrow AM for the 4th day in a row.

Waiting.... I'm so good at it :)

This AM I had my appt at 6:30 for u/s and blood. I got my fave u/s tech so that was good. She entertains me... which I know sounds weird, but it's true. My right follicle was at 22mm. Woohoo. My lining was at 7.8mm, so just shy of 8, but good enough.

Blood was okay... 2 pokes today. Oh well. I'm getting used to it I s'pose.

I have to go back tomorrow AM for just blood. Guess my levels aren't up to par. Estradiol was 480ish and my LH was 8.something. I think. I can't remember! What are the levels supposed to be at? I sure as heck don't know!

On another note, I taught a lesson today about writing poetry in Writer's Workshop. My kids were AMAZING!! I was so excited. Some of them had a little more difficulty than others, but I got a good poem out of each one of them! And they were so creative! YAY!

Friday we're going to the zoo on a field trip and Wednesday we are going to Boston to walk the path of the Ducklings in Make Way for Ducklings. I'm very excited! :) Only 16 days left of school. Time flies!

That's all for now... stay tuned!

On a roller coaster...

More and more I feel like I'm on a roller coaster that I can't get off of.  Ever since the negative result I've felt like I'm nose diving and I can't stop.  Like I said before, that negative made me realize that this is "real".  Things aren't going to be as easy as I hoped and thought.  That I was going to have to work for this.  And that I wasn't going to be the lucky one that was just a "fluke".  

So I've been nose diving.  I love my hubby to death, but I have felt more and more alone lately.  We're in this together.  I know we are.  We go to as many appointments as we can together.  He comes to every appointments he can and he goes in with me to hold my hand through all the u/s and blood work.  He's held me as I've cried over the negatives.  But it hurts me so much more.  I feel like a failure and I take it so emotionally.  I get upset.  I get sad.  And I let it bring me down.  I'll admit I get sad when I see couples walking their stroller down the street and I get a little teary eyed when I watch the baby videos sent to us by friends.  It just bothers me all the time.

However, my hubby deals completely different.  He's upset we haven't gotten pregnant, but he's of the philosophy that "Everything will work out."  and "We can't get upset and think about it all the time because what good is that going to do?  It's not going to change anything."  I agree with him on the first point.  I honestly believe that everything will work out.  We WILL get pregnant.  I WILL have a baby.  But having that faith isn't enough to make me not get upset.  

So, I get upset, sad, and down sometimes.  (Not too often, but lately it has been striking at weird times... like yesterday when we were at a cookout, babies were only mentioned maybe 2 times and not in relation to me, and the youngest person there was my brother's 20 year old girl friend... so why did it come up?  Beats me...)  And more and more it makes the hubby and I argue.  I get sad.  He gets upset that I'm letting it get me down (because logically it won't do any good and because he hates to see me upset).  Then I get upset at him because he doesn't get upset (which I know isn't fair...) and say that it doesn't bother him as much...  Blah blah blah.  Basically it's a cycle that I need to get out of, but I don't know how to because I have been so much more upset about it lately.  

I need to just accept and deal but I honestly don't know HOW.  Which makes me feel out of control and sad and frustrated and just blah.   I feel so freakin' alone and frustrated sometimes.  I don't want to complain to people who have been through so much more, but my heart is breaking and I don't know what to do.   And I just feel like the one person I really WANT to talk to doesn't really understand why I am feeling so frustrated and sad.  (And I don't want you to think that my hubby is uninvolved and uncaring and doesn't want this as much as I do.  Because that's not true.  We're just dealing with the issues at hand in different ways... it's enough for him that we're doing everything in our power to get pregnant.  That's not enough for me... I need some results!  And I obsess about things a little too much.  He doesn't see the point in getting upset and obsessing.  And logically I don't, either.  But I still do it.)

I go to the doctors tomorrow AM again so hopefully there is some good solid growth.  I need to see things looking up.  Maybe that will put me in a better mind frame.   :)

Yeah, I could have told you that...

Today I went in to begin monitoring.  I finished clomid yesterday yet they told me to come in today.  I even double checked the phone message yesterday to make sure I got it right.  I sure did.  So, I went in this AM for u/s (fine... though she only counted 11 less than 10 on each size, and none greater than 10mm).  Then blood was okay too.  The girl was nervous and pricked me once.  She then did that "move the needle around inside until it really hurts" thing.  She eventually gave up on my left and pulled out the needle.  Then she did the right and it worked.  It took SO long for the blood to come out today though.  I seriously felt like I was sitting there forever.

Today at school went well.  We had a lowkey morning, then my hubby and Darcy's hubby came in.  We had fun with the kids.  We gave them ice cream sundaes and Darcy brought in the guinea pigs.  Then we had our show.  The kindergarten was definitely the best.  :)

Then, going back to the title, I checked my voicemail at the end of the day.  It was "Um, there's not a lot going on.  It's still a little early for anything to be measurable.  I don't know why we had you coming in today."  At which point I thought "Yeah, I could have told you that..."  So I'm going back on Tuesday AM.  

Nothing really to post

Nothing new to post really.  Things have been moving along.  Tomorrow AM I go in at 6:30 for my u/s and blood.  Then off to school.  

Tomorrow is my kindergartner's Memorial Day show.  I am so excited for it.  They're singing/dancing to "Coming to America" by Neil Diamond and they're hilarious and SO good!  I can't wait to see them on stage in their matching clothes!  Ahh, so cute!  The hubby is coming to school tomorrow for the afternoon and the show, too.  My aide's hubby is coming in with her kid's guinea pigs too.  It's going to be a good, if unproductive, day.  :)  Then Monday is the holiday, Tuesday I have SPED meetings, and Friday we're going to the Zoo.  This whole year is going by so quickly.  I'm anxious to start next year... since about the 3rd day of school I've been thinking about everything I want to "fix" for next year.  :)  

Okay, so I think this was sufficiently about nothing at all.  :)  We'll see how tomorrow goes.  I hope everyone had a fabulous holiday weekend!  

I'm running out of clever titles...

Not that they were ever very clever!

Went to the Drs. this AM for my u/s.  All went well.  I have 20 less than 10 on one side and 16 less than 10 on the other.   I just listened to the message and I can remember which side was which.  I guess it doesn't matter.  I take the clomid for the next 5 days- I'll be done Thursday.  The weird thing, though, is that they have me coming in on Friday the 23rd to start blood and u/s monitoring.  It seems really early to me- the day after I'm done with the pills??

I just checked back and last cycle I finished up on the 18th of April and then waited 5 days and went in on the 23rd of April to start monitoring.  I guess all it means is that I will probably have to go back more often before they give me the green light to take the trigger.  That's okay though, I hate the waiting most of all.  I like having things to do and appointments to be ready for.  :)

We just spent the whole afternoon weeding at my in-laws house.  I'm exhausted and covered in dirt, so I'm off.  :)  

Cycle 3, Here We Come!

Day 1 today-- go to RSC for u/s on Sunday AM.  

We picked up the next round of meds this PM.  I calculated a rough estimate of the money we've spent thus far and it wasn't pretty.  The $500 for the HSG didn't help at all...  Anyways, with the new meds and moving on, I'm feeling optimistic.  The hubby has big plans for this cycle.  :)   We're both feeling good about it.

This is my last cycle at 100mg of Clomid, so hopefully we have some good results.  If not, we're on to 150mg. We talked about asking to speeding it up-- like moving to 150mg this round because I'm very impatient (:)) but earlier my dr. said she's very willing to be cautious and take it slow because I'm so young.    I guess I just have to have faith that our doc knows what she's doing!  If this one doesn't work then we are going to definitely call for a sit down with her.  I haven't actually talked to my doctor since mid-November.  Everything else is done with nurses on her team.  Is this normal??

 I had done remarkably well with the results from Wednesday, but today my aide finally asked me about it (she had known I had gone in, but had refrained from asking me because she didn't want to upset me) and it bothered me.  Not that she asked me-- I love her to death and I appreciate that she cares.  It just bothered me thinking about it.  

When we started this I really thought that everything we were going through was a "fluke"... that we'd be pregnant in no time.  That other people have "serious" problems and that ours aren't like that at all.  Cycle 1 I could just brush off because it was a chemical- something happened, so it was working right?  Plus, I know that it's very common to have early miscarriages- many people just don't know about it.  But this past cycle, nothing happened.  No results at all.  It was like we didn't do anything this past month.  And I think it made me realize that something really IS wrong.  That it IS a big deal and not something that we can just fix with a couple of drugs and some fun sex.  And so, as I've said before, the uncertainty is what kills you.