Odds

So far, most days I am pretty confident that we will take home two healthy babies at the end of this pregnancy. On my best days, I see myself delivering via-VBAC at 37 weeks and taking the babies home a few days later. Other days, I see myself delivering early, spending some time in the NICU- but still coming home with two healthy babies at the end of it.

Most days.

Then there are some days that I wonder how it's even possible to have two healthy babies.

It seems every day I hear of someone delivering extremely prematurely and losing their baby after a few short days of fighting. Or someone else loses a baby in the womb at 12 or 20 or 36 weeks. For no apparent reason. Or someone else loses a baby unexpectedly to SIDS at two months.

Those days, it seems like the odds are stacked against us and that something is going to go wrong. And it's so scary.

I remember talking to a friend back before we even were trying to get pregnant talking about how scary pregnancy is. At that point I wasn't even thinking of prematurity- just the chances of a baby developing some life threatening condition or SIDS or something else tragic.

I know it has to do more with the stories I read than what is actuality. I know that most babies are born when they're supposed to be and most babies live. But when you're surrounded by stories of unimaginable pain and heartbreak and loss, it's hard to keep perspective. It's hard to see the positives, the possibilities, when all you feel like you're seeing is horrible things happening to good people.

So, I guess I wouldn't say that I have been worrying about this lately. But it has been on my mind a lot and sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. For bleeding to start. For a doctor to look at the ultrasound screen and tell me there is no heartbeat. I don't think I'll believe that we'll fully get through this until we do. Until we get through the other side and see our three healthy kids running around causing trouble.

And that brings me to something else I've been thinking about a lot. Like I said, I usually think we will make it out with two healthy babies in the end (somehow). And I wonder what that will be like for Colby in a few years. When he's older and can understand that his twin is not here, but his younger twin siblings are. I'm worried for the questions- the anger- the hurt that might follow. It will be natural for him to wonder why they have each other, but Connor's not here. What went wrong? What was different? And what I'm dreading-- What did Mommy do wrong for us, but right for them? I'm so afraid that he'll be angry at me for not protecting him and Connor like I (hopefully) will his little siblings.

And I'll be wondering the same thing. And angry at myself for the same thing.

11 weeks 3 days

I will post a belly picture and an ultrasound picture when I have time! (Though I haven't taken my belly picture yet...) I also want to post our Christmas card because I LOVE it... there's just not enough time in the day!

How far along? 11 weeks 2 days 11 weeks 3 days
Total weight gain/loss: I'm still pretty much the same. Same
Maternity clothes? I got a bella band knock off from Target. Ahhh I love it. :) My wardrobe has quadrupled. And I ordered a dress and pants from Old Navy. I can still get by in my work clothes, but my regular jeans are a no-go, so I do wear maternity jeans. (And they make me look about 10 times more pregnant)
Stretch marks? Nada No new ones
Sleep: I desperately try to be asleep by 8:30 or 9... so usually 8-9 hours. And I do love naps when I have the time! About 6.5 hours or less depending on Colby's sleep (last night = none)
Best moment this week: Either appointment... Wednesday's or todays. I love both doctors AND I got to see the babies, so it's all perfect. Perfect sizes, perfect hearts... just perfect. I'm so in love. I guess just still being pregnant. Nothing new has happened and our appointment on Friday wasn't all that wonderful.
Movement: Nope. I swear some times I feel little flutters, but who knows...
Food cravings: I found a yogurt I LOVE. And still coolattas. Everything else comes and goes. Baked potatoes.
Gender: I'm thinking a boy and a girl. I still think one of each.
Labor Signs: Noooo No
Belly Button in or out? Innie In
What I miss: Nada. Like I said last time, I'm loving where I am!! Sleep? But that has nothing to do with the pregnancy. :)
What I am looking forward to: Finishing trimester 1 so I can confidently make a registry and can just take a huge breath. And I want school (grad and regular) to be over. I just want to focus on the babies!! Movement- that's what I miss the most. And our NT scan next week.
Weekly Wisdom: Enjoy it! I'm not very wise...
Milestones: Isn't every day a milestone?? I'm just thankful for every day I get and every day that they are healthy. Again I say, I am so in love. I'll stick with what I said last time...

High Risk

On Friday afternoon I skipped out of school a few minutes early to get into Boston for our High Risk appt. My parents ended up babysitting Colby on Friday so we didn't have to worry about bringing hime which was great. (He does great at these appointments, but I also know he gets bored.)

The High Risk practice is exactly where we were going last time, but there has been a complete shift in the practice. The whole place has been redone since we were there on June 26th, 2009 and the doctors are completely new.

We were taken in immediately, ironically to the exact same room where we were told "The question is whether to put you in the hospital tonight or wait a few days" and "Babies at 23 weeks means no babies". Not the best way to start.

Then the nurse came in to take our history which is always fun (not really). We told her the story of the boys, and 23 weeks, and bed rest, and 27 weeks, and losing Connor. Then she goes on to ask "What's the name of your living son?" Then she continues on and as she's taking my blood pressure she says "Well, thank goodness you're only having one this time!" One more strike and she would have been out.

Then the doctors come in. We were scheduled to meet with Dr. R, but we ended up meeting with Dr. R, Dr. S, and a medical student. Basically, we were there for 30 minutes. 20 of those minutes were totally devoted to the risks associated with twins and the hightened risk of preterm labor this time around. Real doom-and-gloom stuff. All stuff I had heard before (except I didn't know it was even possible for non-identical twins to have TTTS) but it was just all such a downer. I wanted to cry just sitting there because I felt like they were telling me something was going to go wrong- it was just a matter of figuring out what it would be. Was it going to be IUGR that gets us or Preeclampsia or TTTS or a short cervix? The list was endless.

Then 8 minutes were spent talking about the fact that "While we have LOTS of things we can do for singletons to prevent preterm labor, research shows that there really isn't much we can do in a twin situation." Basically I was told that the progesterone shots I had been told about do zip for twin situations. "Even cerclages, while they can be great for singletons, studies show that they don't do much for twins- and in some cases they even seem to cause earlier labor in twins. BUT keep in mind that these weren't strictly twin studies. Instead these were studies that happened to include some twin pregnancies and it is possible the study group was too small, blah, blah, blah." I was told that, if I were their patients alone, they wouldn't let a cerclage be an option, but since I'm Dr. K's patient, I can get it if I want but keep in mind that it might not do anything.

The last two minutes of our meeting was spent with me staring blankly at them completely at a loss. Here I was going into this appointment thinking that we had some sort of a plan or some sort of option to get me further than 27 weeks but according to them, the best course was "Wait and see" and "We'll put you in the hospital at 24 weeks if we get that far." Johnny asked some good questions that I can't really remember.

What it comes down to is (1) Johnny likes them because they are completely opposite of Dr. K so he feels like they will give us at least another perspective (2) Starting after my cerclage (which I will probably still get because I need to do something and Dr. K thinks it's a good idea) I will be monitored bi-weekly for changes in my cervix and (3) SOB.

On to Early Risk Screening on the 21st. At least I get to see my babies.

Outted

So, I'm 10w4d pregnant today. BUT in addition to being told that I had a big belly by my kiddo last week... this week I have been asked by several kiddos if I am pregnant. So I had to bite the bullet and email parents because I knew questions would start popping up. And once they do, all the parents want to know is what is going to happen to the class, when I'll leave, when I'll be back, if their kids will still go to Harvard, blah blah blah.

Anyways, two of my favorite parents emailed me back right away.

One told me that she was going to talk to me today anyways... because she just found out she is pregnant WITH TRIPLETS! (I so want to ask if it was IUI or IVF, but I know I hate those questions so I will hold my tongue!)

The other mom emailed me and wrote "Brett knows that you had previously had two babies and God needed to keep one with him, so he will be thrilled!"

Is there any better way to explain it? It just seems like such a perfect way to explain it to a 5 year old.

Two Questions Answered :)

I love reading new comments from people who haven't posted bofore. :) I got asked a good question, so I thought I'd answer it.

Stacey asked why I decided to try again so soon after having the boys. It's an interesting questions because there are actually a few reasons.

1. It took us 2+ years to get pregnant. Not very long in the scheme of IVF and infertility, but a long time for us. At least it felt that way. I wan't really willing to take chances that it would take a really long time again. I figured, get started as soon as possible (Colby was exactly 6 weeks when we started trying again!) and that would give us the best chance of it happening again. As it turns out it still took us well over a year, but I'm glad that we got started early.

2. I want to have a lot of kids... at least 4 or 5. Living. It's weird that I have to clarify that, but I already have 2 kids technically, but I'm only getting to parent one. I want to have a house full of kids. I have 3 brothers and I loved having poeple around constantly. I want that and to do that, because of number 1, I had to start soon I felt.

3. I want kids young. I started trying to get pregnant when I was 22. I wanted to be done with having kids by the time I was 30. So... you can see that if I wanted the 4 or 5 from answer 2 and I've dealt with the timing from answer 1... well, that means I needed to get started right away.

4. Colby is so incredibly amazing. He is perfect in every way possible... he made it SO easy to want another- and SOON! We know that we're probably going to end up with the complete opposite... a fussy baby who never sleeps and cries and is not easy going, but we were willing to risk it! :)

5. This answer I'm a little embarrassed about. But having the boys at 27 weeks and losing Connor, well, I felt jipped. I missed the perfect pregnancy, the happiness of birth (we recieved very few congrats when the boys were born... it was just too scary for everyone)... I couldn't even breastfeed like I wanted... I just wanted to experience it. And also... I knew in my heart I was supposed to be caring for 2 babies. Instead I was saying goodbye to one and watching from afar while nurses adjusted monitors and wires on my other son. (I can't even begin to articulate how horrible, scary, and sad this time in my life was. I don't think I even completely comprehended it at the time, but now I just look back and can't believe what happened back then.) I immediately longed to do it again. Now, I know having twins again pretty much negates any possibility for a perfect pregnancy or even a perfect birth at 40 weeks, but I'm hoping I won't feel cheated out of a child. I feel ridiculous for saying that because Colby is SO amazing and we were SO LUCKY to have Connor with us for the time we did. But I just needed to try again... for my own healing (I hope-- because I don't think I can survive another loss like we had...).



Sarah mentioned another teacher who still works from a wheelchair after a preterm scare.

I just know that I could never do that.

The first time around I didn't have a choice. It was "strict bedrest, then to the hospital with you once you hit 24 weeks". There was no "but, what if...?"

But I also know that, if I was given the chance of going back in a wheelchair, I would not take it. I wouldn't be able to concentrate and it wouldn't be fair to me, my babies, or my class.

Bedrest is hard. I know that sounds silly to people who haven't been on bedrest, but it is hard. Despite the boredom and the isolation, you question every twinge, pain, flutter, cramp. EVERYTHING. Every day I was questioning EVERYTHING. I didn't know what was important and what wasn't. (Which was ultimately my deminse because I was in LABOR FOR 12 HOURS WITHOUT KNOWING IT because I thought I had a simple BACKACHE.)

But it is so worth it. If being in bed... 23.5 hours a day, every day for 4 weeks is what kept my babies inside of me those extra 4 weeks, then I will do it again in a heartbeat.

10 Weeks (+2 days)

And for a 10 week thing-a-ma-bob... I thought it would be interesting to compare to last time, so this time I put answers in red. :)

How far along? 10 weeks 2 days

Total weight gain/loss: I think nothing... I am about 2 lbs up from pre-IVF weight though. But I don't think I've put anything on since that. I may have actually lost a little. Same as finding out we were pregnant... one or two pounds up from pre-IVF again though.

Maternity clothes? No, but I do only wear 2 pairs of pants over and over. My dressier ones aren't happening. Occasionally maternity jeans, but they're not entirely comfy because they fit on the belly but apparently my hips/butt aren't big enough to keep them up. I can still wear my work pants though. (Which is weird because my belly is already huge!)

Stretch marks? Nope Leftovers from last time!

Sleep: Usually 9 hours a night... :P More if I can squeeze it! (Last night I was in bed at 7:15!) Never enough. Usually 7 or so. Most nights I'm up 1 or 2 times with Colby, too. I'm so tired during the day and just want to crash. I'm contemplating a day off just so I can slep!

Best moment this week: Monday last week hearing the heartbeat. Imagining the nursery in the new place! Realizing that, no matter how quiet my dad is, he is thrilled beyond belief!!! So far this week has been pretty much same-ole. :) I am excited that I hit 10 weeks though... it seems huge for some reason.

Movement: No I heard that women who have been pregnant again usually notice movement earlier the second time around, so I've been trying to feel it every night. So far... nadda. :) (Yes, I know 10 weeks is incredibly early! Wishful thinking!)

Food cravings: Coolattas, pretzels Anything and everything but it totally changes depending on the day/how I'm feeling. One day pizza sounds so good, but the next the thought of it makes me sick.

Gender: 1 of each? :P I'm pretty convinved that it is 1 of each. Growing up I always said I would have a boy, then twin boy/girl, then a girl. So, we had twin boys first, but we only got to take one home, so I'm thinking maybe it's all playing into my thoughts from way back when.

Labor Signs: Not for awhile! No no no no. Please PLEASE stay away until I'm at least 30 weeks. I won't be greedy... but please stay away!

Belly Button in or out? Innie! Innie

What I miss: Absolutely NOTHING. I LOVE where I am right now! Nothing

What I am looking forward to: The doctors appt. on Wednesday! Can't wait to see the ultrasound! Everything. Seeing this pregnancy progress safely and taking home TWO healthy babies. I'm pretty convinced that it will work. And I'm super excited to meet the high risk doc on Friday. Ultrasound please!

Weekly Wisdom: I think the only advice I got came from my dad... when he said "My advice is to just eat what you want... but sensibly." Nothing too prophetic, but I think he was trying to make me feel better about wanting a Coolatta! I don't really have any... I'm just really, really, really trying to take it easy. I sit a lot more at work, I don't run around like crazy at home... I'm doing all I can to get these babies to a safe place.

Milestones: Double digits in the weeks! Double digits!

Getting a baby

I really need to post a belly picture (at 9w3d-- ridiculous) because I'm already huge.

Evidence:

9w2d

Walking from art with my class

A: *pokes my stomach* Mrs. Jamerson, are you getting a baby?

Me: *totally caught off guard* ....Why?

A: Because you have a big belly. You're getting a baby right?